UPJOKE

Ahhhh Jokes

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she sai...

Nothing can stop me now!

Ahhhh! Nothing! My only weakness!

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

What's the difference between "ooo" and "ahhhh"?

About 3 inches.

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it sure is hot in here."

The other muffin shrieks " Ahhhhh! A talking muffin!"

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

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Guy gets robbed at Gun Point

There was a Guy walking down the street at night when suddenly a robber comes from behind.

Robber: Give me your Money!

Guy: I dont have any money....

Robber: Give me your Cell Phone!

Guy: I dont have a cell phone....

Robber: What do you have?

Guy: Nothing......

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

Two monkeys get into a bath...

The first monkey says: "OOOO OOO AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH".
The second monkey says: "Put some cold in then."

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

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NSFW 2 Nuns

2 Nuns have been tucked away in a convent for the last 2 years when the Mother Superior approaches them and informs them that due to their dedication and devotion over the last 2 years she will take them on a trip to the nearest village.

The 2 sisters smile with glee and anticipation to the ...

I fondly remember the good times of living in the Netherlands eating egg yolk based sauces

... ahhhh the hollandaise

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religion has the big gay

AHHHH ..... MEN

The spooky makeup

What is the spookiest make-up?

Mas-Scare-AHHHH

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "AHHHH! A TALKING WINDMILL!!!"

A girl was talking to her mother

Daughter: “Mummy, why is my name Lily?”

Mother: “Because a lily fell on your head when were born.”

The younger brother enters

Brother: “Uhhhh ahhhh uh uh!!”

Mother: “Shut up Brick!”

Boss: Tell me about Suzanne.

Me: Ahhhh, the one that got away.
Boss: You're a zookeeper. None of them should get away.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

Whales in a bar

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "OUUHHHHWAHHHHHHH OUHHHHHHH AHHHH" and the second one replies, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk!"

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

...

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A young man wants a car

A young man comes to his father a few months before his 16th birthday and asks, if for a present, his father would buy him a vehicle.

His father looks at him and replies: “Your grades are crap, you look like a hippy, and you don’t come to church with your mother and I anymore. Why would I buy...

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Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’

After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.

The host is letting peopl...

3 Mexicans are about to cross the border

They are stopped by the border patrol who stops the first Mexican and says,

"If you can say the entire English alphabet, I'll let you pass",

the Mexican agrees and goes, "A, B, C, D..... ahhh I can't do it!", and walks away

the border patrol stops the second man and says,
<...

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A guy walks into the bathroom at a bar

He sees a tiny man standing on a stool taking a piss. As he walks up to a urinal he looks over and can't help but notice this tiny man has a monster member. The tiny man looks up and asks
"Wtf are you looking at?"
The man responds "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice....that"
"Well," t...

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

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Bob dies and wakes up to find himself in Hell.

A man is waiting there to greet him. "Hello, Bob!" the man says "Welcome to Hell. Since Hell generally gets a lot of bad press, I have been sent here to point out all the good things about Hell"

Bob seems dubious, but listens as the man says "So, Bob, do you like Italian food?"

"I su...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

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The Greatest Fighter-pilot in France!

There is a fighter-pilot in France called Pierre. He is known throughout all of France as the best. Men want to be him, women want to be with him.

One night he is on the banks of the Seine with a beautiful woman. He charms her with his sharp wit and his soft whispers. Eventually she says "Pie...

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