UPJOKE

My Doctor Told Me Jokes

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

My doctor told me to stop singing Frank Sinatra songs as it's bad for my health. But I just wouldn't listen.

And now the end is near.

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.

He said I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy.

My doctor told me I have life threatening angina

He must be stupid. I don’t have one of those, I’m a guy.

My doctor told me that I was going deaf 3 years ago…

I haven’t heard from him since.

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My doctor told me that his research on intestinal flora could be close to curing depression, but that they were missing samples.

And I gotta tell you; for the first time in my life, I actually gave a shit.

My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours.

A**nd now I'm banned from Currys!**

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.



I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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my doctor told me I am very sick

He won't take porn recommendations from me ever again

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

My doctor told me I’ve got Athlete’s foot.…

…. I reckon if I can find another one I’ll go for the Olympics.

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My doctor told me I should take Viagra.

- Can you get it over the counter?

Yeah, if I take two.

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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he said...

So I can examine you!

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

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My doctor told me "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "Why"

She said "Well, to be honest, you're not supposed to enjoy a rectal exam this much"

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

My doctor told me some troubling news today.

He said: “Your body has zero magnesium.”

So I replied: “0mg”

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress

So I didn't open his bills

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

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So my doctor told me

For men, every 10lbs of weight loss his penis grows a quarter of an inch. That's why I lost 400lbs

my doctor told me to stay away from trans fats

i know what you're thinking, how rude.

in my opinion, a doctor shouldn't get any say in who their patients date

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub

So I've started smoking

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.

The results came completely out of the purple...

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

My doctor told me I should do lunges,

that would be a big step forward.

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My doctor told me my heart may not be healthy enough for sex.

But that didn't make him stop.

My Doctor told me to start killing people....

Well not exactly in those words, but he said "I had to reduce the stress in my life".

My doctor told me I only had a year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 40 years

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet.

Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes

My Doctor told me that to fix my condition, I need to switch from beer to tequila

I replied "Can't you just give me a shot?"

My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

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My doctor told me to ejaculate in a jar and bring it in the next day...

So I come back the next day with an empty jar. "What happened?" The doctor asked.

"Well," I reply. "I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but it didn't work. So my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, then her mouth, but it didn't work. So then my neighbor tried with h...

My doctor told me I have an enlarged heart.

I guess that’s what I get for learning the true meaning of Christmas.

My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups."

My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia.

I think someone paid him to say it.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

My doctor told me I had a Bingo tumor.

He said "Don't worry. It's B-9.".

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

My Doctor told me I was a malignant narcissist

But what does he know?

My doctor told me I had the airport flu.

He says it's terminal.

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My doctor told me I had the biggest dick out of all his other patients

Then he continued cleaning out my teeth, I have a great dentist

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake.

Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.

My doctor told me I have modeled skin.

I said model, really? I always thought it looked like concrete that sat in acid rain for 20 years. He said no, m-o-t-t-l-e-d, and it’s a severe case. I said severe huh? I guess that makes me a super mottle.

I told my doctor I might have ADHD because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford. My doctor told me that’s not how ADHD works.

“But doctor, I keep losing my focus”

So my doctor told me to pick a star sign, any star sign

So I said Gemini

And he said *showing me his clipboard* well this says cancer

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn't find anything.

My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can’t find that brand

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

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My doctor told me that I have very shitty knees. When I asked for the cure....

He told me I should really pull my pants down when I take a poop

My doctor told me it's super common to get an erection during a prostate exam, but I'm not convinced.

After all, my old doctor never got one.

My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.



The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"



I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."



"What! You haven't lis...

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My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."

Looks like I'll be sitting down to piss for a while.

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My doctor told me to stop masturbating.

I went to the doctors yesterday and was surprised when he told me i needed to stop masturbating.

"Why, is my sperm count low?"

"No, you just need to let me finish your prostate exam first."

So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you

Good thing I have 4 doctors

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My doctor told me I have gynecomastia. No, I insisted, I’ve just got man boobs!

Well, he replied, now you’re just arguing some man tits.

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

My doctor told me I'm going to need two prosthetic limbs.

It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

My doctor told me i’m a paranoid schizophrenic

well, he didn’t SAY that, but WE know that’s what he was thinking.

My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar

I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.

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My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"

He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

My doctor told me that I have an autoimmune disease.

That explains why I have been trying to kill myself.

My doctor told me to stop drinking brake fluid because I was too addicted

I told him I could stop at any time.

My doctor told me to to incorporate more hole foods into my diet

so I ate a box of donuts.

My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit.

I got disappointed.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so

I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

My doctor told me that I absolutely can't drink any more.

So I promised to drink exactly the same amount.

My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches

but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.

My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side...

HIV.

My doctor told me he had some jaw-dropping news for me and I rushed excitedly to his office.

Apparently I have leprosy.

My doctor told me I need to try a low-carb diet.

He put me on 6 weeks of breadrest.

My doctor told me I’m a hypochondriac and a compulsive liar.

I’m not too worried about it.

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My doctor told me I have Ed Zachary’s disease

“Oh no, doc! What’s that mean?”

“It’s a rare condition when your ass looks Ed Zachary like your face”

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My doctor told me I have early on-set dimensia.

I said "That's bullshit! I can't remember the last time I forgot something!"

My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs.

So I bought a six foot straw.

My doctor told me that if I didn't change my ways, I'd be blind forever.

It was a really eye-opening moment.

Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why.

"Because thats my beer."

My doctor told me quite harshly that I have to quit eating sweets if I want to avoid diabetes

He didn't sugarcoat it.

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