UPJOKE

Love You Jokes

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

"I love you," I said. "Do you love me too?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "On a scale of 1-10 that sounds about right."

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

Trust an overthinker when they tell you they love you.

They’ve already thought of every reason to not love you.

I Love You..

HUSBAND: I LOVE YOU..
WIFE : I Love You Too, Infact
Love You So Much I Will Fight
The Whole World For You..
HUSBAND : But You Fight With
Me The Most
WIFE : Because You Are The
World To Me..

What do you say when 2 fans of Bono tell you they love you?

I love you too you two U 2 fans.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #2: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Spouse #1: "It's me. Talking to the wine."

Boyfriend: I love you?

Girlfriend: I love you too.

Boyfriend: Which song?

Girlfriends: With or without you.





This is from my partner. What makes it even more impressive is he barely spoke English at the point he made it.

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Me: I love you!

Porn Director: CUT CUT CUT!

I told my wife, "I love you. I wish you were happy all the time." To which she responded, "I wish you didn't make me mad all the time."

"That sounds like what I said, but more complicated..."

"How much do you love me?" she asked.

I said, "Look into the sky and count the stars. That's how much I love you."

"But the sun is shining!" she said.

"There you go."

I love you.

"I love you, Mom."

"What?"

"I love you, Mom."

"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again."

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

I love you

Like a friend.

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

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People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."

That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

Did you know Dolly Parton wrote Joleen & I will always love you in the same day?

Seems like with her great things come in pairs

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3 Words Better than I Love You?.

How about Anal?

Apart from "I love you", "I miss you", "You complete me" and "Can't live without you"?

What other jokes do you know?

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?"

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Bec...

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I love you all as sapiens.

No homo.

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I said "I love you" to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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I love you...

...to Uranus and back.

Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

What’s the worst thing you can say after someone says “I love you?”

See ya in chemistry.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

There are a million ways to say i love you

but there is only one way to say wrong hole

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To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

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