UPJOKE

If You Jokes

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day…

If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

you get them VERY ANGRY

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

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If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the zoo.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short

What do you get if you mash 6.02 * 10^23 avocados?

Guacamole...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, know that you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel your penis was inadequate

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

"If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room"

I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.

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I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait

Apparently not!

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

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If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

A guy is asked by his friend: “What would you do if your wife cheats on you?”

He answers “I’d throw his dog through the window and break the stick”

Friend: “what stick? What dog?”

To what the guy replies: “If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!”

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

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