UPJOKE

If You Were Jokes

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

if you were born in September…

your parents started off the new year with a bang

If you were born in mid September, you're not a Virgo...

You're a Christmas present!

If you were a white guy who lost his clone, where would you go.

India, cause that's where white people find themselves.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

If you were trapped in JellO

I'd eat you out...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

Damn girl, if you were a school...

I would shoot K*** inside you.

If you were invisible...

You could have a perfectly normal relationship with a blind person.

Girl if you were a booger

I would pick you first

What if you were stuck in a sausage skin?

That would really be a wurst case scenario.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

If you were crushed by a piano...

Would you B-flat?

If you were anti-pencil

Would you be erasist?

If you were the ruler for a day! What would you do?

Measure stuff!

If you were driving a stolen Tesla...

... would it be called an Edison?

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

What if you were trying to say the number 9,

But Germany said no

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

If you were any more inbred

You would be a sandwich.

If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community

That would be a reservation reservation reservation.

If you were looking for a joke about pee...

urine luck.

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

If you were to ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he would never give it to you.

In doing so, he would let you down.

Thus creating the rickroll paradox.

If you were to rob a vape shop,

Could you call it a juul heist?

If you were in a room with Hillary and Trump

A news reporter was looking for everyday people to voice their opinion on the election of 2016.

A man volunteers to be interviewed by the reporter.

Reporter: "Who do you support in this year's election?"

Man: "That's a rather difficult question to answer, they're both morons."...

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber!

Just kidding; if you were a vegetable, I’d pull the plug.

If you were born in 2000 and get laid on New Year's day 2020

It'll be your first score.

What would you eat if you were stranded on a completely barren deserted isle?

The sand which is on the ground.

If you were stressed out yesterday

Does that make you past tense?

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

If you were a dog, what would be your favorite kind of shoes to chew?

The ones from Delhi.
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Thats because they are Delhi-shoes

If you were to describe me in a nutshell...

... it would probably be in a fetal position pushing against the sides hoping that the shell would break.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was relaxing at a nude beach with his hat over his crotch…

A young lady passing by whistled at him and said, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift that hat!”

Old man: If you were pretty, it would lift itself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife

what car would you buy?

My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

"Hey SevenS, if you were in a Room with Trump and Clinton, which one would you shoot if you only had one bullet?"

I'd shoot myself.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?

You would get severe frostbite.

"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you were born in Poland and are now taking a piss in England, what are you?

European

If you were working at Hewlett Packard and you sprinted out of the building...

...would you die because you ran out of HP?

My wife asked me "If you were given the option to find out exactly when and how you would die, would you want to know?"

I said "No, why?"


She said, "Never mind."

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

I walked up to a girl and said, "If you were a drug, I would overdose!"

She said, "Thanks."

I said, "Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more."

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

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