UPJOKE

I Got Jokes

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

I got caught speeding

The officer pulled me over and told me I can't drive 70mph in a 30mph zone.

Three days later I got a letter through the door saying "Speeding Fine"

Now I don't know who to believe.

I got a girlfriend

This is the only subreddit I can post this.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

I got caught peeing in the pool by the lifeguard.

I was so frightened, I almost fell in.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

I got a sweater on my birthday

I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory....

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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I got a boner when I read that my favorite porn star died

I had mourning wood.

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

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I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I got a temporary tattoo

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

Not too sure I got the job....

Interview I had for a job:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Interpreting semantics of a question,
but ignoring the pragmatics."
"Could you give an example?"
"Yes, I could."

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I got kicked out of mime school

Must've been something I said

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

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I got caught masturbating with a pickle.

I was Gherkin off

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

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I got a tattoo of a $100 dollar bill on my dick.

So when my wife ask for some money, I pull down my pants and tell her she can blow $100

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got caught masturbating to an optical illusion

I said "it's not what it looks like"

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

I got a girlfriend today!

I wish I could post this on any other thread.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

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My wife and I got to act in a porno last night

I played the husband that went to work

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I got a Viagra stuck in my throat this morning.

I had a stiff neck all day.

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

I remember when I got married to my wife. I had 18 blissfully happy years.

Then I met her.

I got into a car accident yesterday

Some guy rear ended me at a traffic light.

The guy gets out and he is really short. They guy starts screaming at me like it was my fault he didn't stop.

Then he says," I'm not happy"

So I asked ," well which one are you then, Grumpy?"

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today

Not Happy.

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

I swear, if I got a nickel for every spam call I got

I would finally be able to pay for my car's extended warranty

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."


I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."


To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm

Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

I got a new deodorant today…

The instructions said “remove cap & push up bottom” I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

I got a new job!

I got a new job and my boss told me to give it the old college try. So I focused on work for the first month, then began drinking heavily and eventually just stopped going.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius

The cop didn't give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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I was having sex when I got a phone call from my friend saying there was an emergency

I told him I was coming as fast as I could

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

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