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Hedberg Jokes

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

By The Great Mitch Hedberg.

"A dog is forever in a push up postion".

I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test.

I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.

He said “No.”

So I know I don’t have COVID because he knows me.

Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Just press 2 for a while!

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy

I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...

I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a letter to my dad (by Mitch Hedberg)

I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write: "I really enjoy being here",
but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.



I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,
so I wrote: "I rarely drive steamboats, dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know a...

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole

I'd be making money in a very strange way.

What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive?

Hey man, get me out of this coffin.

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg

Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:

"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."

"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.


(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

A guitar can never break 2 strings.

It can only become a large ukulele.

\[Mitch Hedberg RIP.\]

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

When I was a boy ...

I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.


Credit: Mitch Hedberg

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

I'm against picketing....

But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

-Mitch Hedberg

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

I got tired of chasing my dreams

I told them go where ever and I would meet up with them later.


\-Mitch Hedberg

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!”

“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,”

"Mitch Hedberg"

If I had a dollar every time I read a repost on r/jokes....

I would be making money in a very unusual way.


RIP Mitch Hedberg.

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

I was at a job interview...

I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.

--RIP Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

(Credit to Mitch Hedberg)

Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

-Mitch Hedberg

Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking

It's as hard as it is to start flossing

- Mitch Hedberg

I miss this man every day :(

You know the fly was really close to being called a land...

Because that's what it does half the time.

RIP Mitch Hedberg

I've never been booed off stage.

I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.

In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

I went to this new doctor, but he was terrible...

All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.

[](/lunalaugh)Credit goes to Mr. Hedberg for this one.

A severed foot...

...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg

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