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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

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What happened to Juan?!

There once was a man named Juan(65M), who was seeing this woman named Maria(60F)... every Saturday, they had a ritual. They would meet up at the local park, sit on the bench, and Maria would hold his penis. They enjoyed about a year of this relationship, before one Saturday, Juan failed to show.
...

Red Skelton joke.

There were these two seagulls, Heathcliff and Gertrude, and they was just flying around and enjoying the weather.
Then this jet tears past them with it's afterburners going full blast, quick as a bullet.
Gertrude says to Heathcliff, "Good heavens, did you see that?"
So Heathcliff says, " Bi...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

I ran into an old friend last week

Let's be real ... Gertrude was going to die soon anyways

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The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

The Three Old Ladies & the Flasher

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Th...

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Some strangers sit at the bar

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy asks, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A lady asks, "What's that?"

He says, "Double I...

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