UPJOKE

Did You Hear Jokes

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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

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Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident?

Some dick cut her off.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

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Did you hear of the guy who says he has no butthole?

He's full of shit.

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Did you hear about the girl in the nudist colony?

Nothing looked good on her.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

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Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

No? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did you hear about they guy who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?

He OD'd.

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

Did you hear about Apple's new VR headset?

They're called the iGlasses

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you hear the put a bounty on Schrödinger’s cat?

He’s wanted dead and alive.

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates

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Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.

Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Did you hear the one about the gaslight?

Yes you did. I told you last week.

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.

Did you hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the reckless vampire?

He raised the stakes!

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

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Did you hear about the prostitues fresh ink?

She traded tit for tat.

Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own....

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

Did you hear about the blind mohel?

He got the sack

Did you hear about the airline stewardess who accidentally backed into a propeller?

Disaster!

Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?

They say it doesn’t pass mustard.

Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.

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Did you hear about the confused homosexual?

He couldn't think straight.

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter???

Pretty nuts!!!

Did you hear about this North Korean guy who compared Kim Jong Un to an elephant?

It was a bad joke, but I liked the execution

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Did you hear the one about the cult meet and greet?

The punch line is a killer.

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Did you hear about the guy who could ejaculate cash?

He made loads of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Peter Dinklage joined a gang

It was the 3’6” Mafia

Yes, I know I’m going to hell.

Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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Did you hear that the energizer bunny died of a sexual malfunction?

Someone put the battery in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming.

Did you hear apple is making an electric car?

Only problem is you have to buy an adapter to charge it at the station everyone else uses

Did you hear somebody tried to hack Caesars Palace?

It wasn't in the cards.

They tried their best, but no dice.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

Did you hear the one about the hat?

Don't worry, it's over your head.

Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.

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Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

“Did you hear the one about the bed?”

“It’s not made up yet.”

Did you hear the one about the legume?

Everyone thought he was some kind of nut!

Did you hear about Danny Welbeck's bomb disposal expert brother.

Stan Welbeck.

Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?

She had a drug habit.

(NSFW) Did you hear about the rapper that only raps on her period?

She has a mean flow

Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Never mind, I don't want to spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

Did you hear Justin Trudeau's wife is leaving him?

She finally caught him screwing Canadians!

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding was awful, but the reception was great!

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?
He lost a hundred pounds!

American: That’s great news!
Englishman: That’s awful news!

Did you hear about the poorly-secured portapotties that fell off the flatbed?

It was a lose-loose-loos situation.

Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Did you hear about the fight between two campers?

It was in tents

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

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Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She was sleeping with two Mennonite

Did you hear the one about the drill?

Nevermind

It's boring.

Did you hear about the old Nintendo console which burned down a house?

Turns out Wii *did* start the fire.

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.

Did you hear about the OceanGate company that lost the Titan sub?

Apparently their business is going under.

Did you hear that OJ Simpson finally confessed?

Yep. They squeezed it out of him.

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?

It's pure, motherfucking gold.

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

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