UPJOKE

Did You Hear About The Guy Jokes

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

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Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

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Did you hear about the guy that died aftet masturbating?

The autopsy said he died from a stroke...

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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter???

Pretty nuts!!!

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Did you hear about the guy who could ejaculate cash?

He made loads of money

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

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Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

Did you hear about the guy with a bear fetish?

When he learned that New Mexico is one of the only states in the US where bestiality is legal, he traveled there and went out to the mountains looking for some action.

He spotted a beautiful bear and went about trying to seduce it, but it kept running away. Finally, the man's charm overcame ...

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

Did you hear about the guy who traded his car for an old cellphone?

Now he’s got Nokia

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Did you hear about the guy who wrote his will on his cock?

It wouldn’t stand up in court.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in a hole in the ground that was filled with water?

He couldn't see that well.

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Did you hear about the guy that died from Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his coffin.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the same bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?

A decision he would come to regret

Did you hear about the guy who escaped being a toilet slave?

He got away scat-free.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job at Pepsi?

He tested positive for coke.

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Did you hear about the guy who had too much phone sex?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

Did you hear about the guy on the Oregon Trail who was shot for insulting the leader of his wagon train?

He died from dissin’ Terry.

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[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

Did you hear about the guy waiting to get hanged?

The suspense was killing him!

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

Did you hear about the guy who tried to outrun a car?

He got *tired*!

What about the guy who chased after a car?

He got *exhausted*!

Did you hear about the guy sentenced to death by wood chipper?

He shall be mist.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed an orthopedic surgeon?

He made a marrow escape.

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

Did you hear about the guy who died while on a date with a firecracker?

People say he went out with a bang.

Did you hear about the guy who escaped a firing squad only to fall into a vat of boiling oil?

He went from the firing plan into the fryer.

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

Did you hear about the guy who killed himself going down a slide

He committed Sueislide

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Did you Hear about the guy who was sexually attracted to the end of essays?

He always came to conclusions.

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Did you hear about the guy who got into a car accident while masturbating?

The car was fine but he did have a broken shaft.

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed a liquor store?

I hear he got off scotch free!

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating a poison shoe?

It was laced with cyanide

Did you hear about the guy who got hit with a bottle of omega 3 capsules?

He suffered super-fish-oil injuries

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

Did you hear about the guy that got badly injured while playing peekaboo?

Yeah they had to put him in the I.C.U.

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

Did you hear about the guy who stole all that hand sanitizer?

They couldn't prosecute, his hands were clean.

Did you hear about the guy with a foot fetish who would intentionally lose?

He loved the smell of da feet!

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

Did you hear about the guy that stopped a robbery at his favorite bargain pizza place?

He wanted to save some dough.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?

It’s a sore subject

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving?

It's all over town.

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

Did you hear about the guy who immediately found a job after quitting from the helium factory?

Their references spoke very highly of them.

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers?

He converses with them

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Did you hear about the guy that made the ass copy?

He kept it for posteriority!

Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

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Did you hear about the guy in masturbation contest?

He really held his own.

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

Did you hear about the guy who stole an Advent calender?

He got 25 days!

Did you hear about the guy stuck in the 90s?

He got pulled over for speeding.

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Did you hear about the guy whose watch fell in the toilet?

He had a shitty time.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

Did you hear about the guy who married his apartment?

It’s a complex relationship

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name after surviving being attacked by a lion?

He's now called Claud.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

No need to worry, he’s fully recovered

Did you hear about the guy who's afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them .

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with 3.14 hookers?

AIDS. He got AIDS and died.

What, you were expecting a pi joke?

On my cake day??

Did you hear about the guy whose been stealing iPhones all over town?

He is going to Face Time soon.

Did you hear about the guy with IBS?

Runs in his genes!

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven’t. Do they call him that because he runs fast?" Jeff replies, “Nah, they call him that because he doesn’t wear pants.”

Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on his homeopathy pills?

He forgot to take them.

Did you hear about the guy selling bombs disguised as prayer mats?

Prophets were going through the roof

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