UPJOKE

Did You Hear About The Man Jokes

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack

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Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

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Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident?

He's fucking dead... Oh wait nvm, he is all right.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?

He got creamed.

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Did you hear about the man who had sex with a £20 note?

He come into some money

Did you hear about the man who had two left feet?

He went to the shoe shop and bought a pair of flip flips

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Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis?

He came out of nowhere

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

Did you hear about the man that trespassed on his neighbor's property to steal mushrooms?

Turns out he has bad morals.

Did you hear about the man who blows his nose and interprets the snot as prophecies?

His name is Nostrildamus

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

Did you hear about the man who was seen naked in his greenhouse?

He was caught plants down

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?

He was dicing with death

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

Did you hear about the man who bought a wig from the dollar store?

It was a small price toupee.

Did you hear about the man who got arrested for sodium chloride?

That's a salt.

Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity?

It was impossible to put down

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

Did you hear about the man who slaughtered lizards?

He was a cold-blooded killer.

Did you hear about the man with prostate cancer?

Yeah, I heard he was a total ;

Did you hear about the man who invented the escalator?

He was mechanically inclined

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Did you hear about the man who gives birds blowjobs

.....he isn't gay, but he'd suck a cockatoo

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

Did you hear about the man who was run over by the police?

He was arrested under suspension of law.

Did you hear about the man who ran over himself?

He asked his wife to run to the store and get him some beer. When she told him no, he ran over himself.

Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head?

He took it as a sign from above.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stalking a baby?

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

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Did you hear about the man who ripped his cock off whilst masturbating?

He never saw it coming.

Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?

He had a stable job.


I guess uh.. I'll just leave

Did you hear about the man who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.

Did you hear about the man who was cursing at the doctors office?

He was diagnosed with iratable Vowel syndrome.

Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

Did you hear about the man who could moonwalk on water?

Jeheeheesus

Did you hear about the man whose wife had triplets?

He got out his gun and went looking for the other 2 guys.

Did you hear about the man that fell into the upholstery machine?

Thankfully, he's fully recovered.

(oc) Did you hear about the man with the broken hand?

Yeah, he hasn't been feeling himself recently.

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

Did you hear about the man that got addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey?

Luckily he was able to turn himself around.

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Did you hear about the man who dropped his watch in the toilet?

He had a shitty time....

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the No Bell Prize.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?

He's still nuts over her.

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs?

His house caught fire. A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded. They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

Did you hear about the man who's making model boats in his attic?

Sails are going through the roof.

Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

They say that he's a seasoned veteran.

Did you hear about the man who wanted to explore a new family phone plan?

He was expanding his Verizon’s.

Did you hear about the man who stole some bread

Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!

Did you hear about the man who accused the devil of going bald?

Fair to say, there was hell toupee

Did you hear about the man who invented a device to see through walls?

He called it a window

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

Did you hear about the man with a stutter who broke out of jail?

He didn’t finish his sentence

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took laxatives instead of his antidepressants?

He felt empty inside

Did you hear about the man who flashed three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park?

First old lady had a stroke. Second old lady had a stroke. Third old lady's arm was too short to reach.

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Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for burning $1 bills?

Police got a report of hot singles in his area.

Did you hear about the man who got job as a human cannonball?

He was so excited he went ballistic.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile.

Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.

He takes him out every night for a drag.

Did you hear about the man who was attacked with a pickaxe?

He escaped with miner injuries.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?

He thought he needed a kidney transplant but he changed his mind.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

He was in Seine

Did you hear about the man who got herpes on his eyes?

He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

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Did you hear about the man taking liquid Viagra?

He accidentally took Liquid Paper, when he woke up he had a massive correction

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Did you hear about the man that killed himself?

He was smoking a cigarette ontop of a building and when he was finished, he threw the wrong butt off.

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Did you hear about the man with a rooster, a hen and a donkey?

He asked a guy on the street, "Hey, can you hold my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"

Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed?

He stood corrected.

Did you hear about the man that got a heart transplant from a dog?

The operation was a complete success other than the fact every time the hospital mailed the bill for the cost of the operation the man would bury it in the backyard.

Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He's lucky it was a soft drink.

Did you hear about the man who broke a 14 year old piano?

He got arrested for assaulting A minor.

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Did you hear about the man that died from an overdose of viagra?

Guess they couldn't close his casket.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for molesting a duck?

He was suspected of Fowl Play

Did you hear about the man who got a hatchet stuck in his teeth?

It was accidental.

Did you hear about the man who sued the airline for losing his luggage?

He lost the case

Did you hear about the man addicted to eating office supplies?

It was a staple of his diet.

Did you hear about the man that was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside of him?

The doctor described his condition as stable

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport?

It was a terminal illness.

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Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Did you hear about the man who bought a dolphin?

He didn't want to live life without a porpoise!

Did you hear about the man with no arms and no legs?

The doctor said he would be arsing around for the rest of his life

Did you hear about the man who killed 47 donkeys?

I heard it was an assacre

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