UPJOKE

Did You Guys Hear About Jokes

Did you guys hear about the CEO of Reddit?

I heard he's a great guy.

Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?

When she flies over, people say:

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's Superman!"

"No! It's Nun of the Above!"

Did you guys hear about those two bodybuilders that got divorced?

Apparently their relationship just wasn't working out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events?

Yea, he was stalin' !

Did you guys hear about the hippie heavy metal cover band?

They release a song today called, “Enter the sand, *man*.”

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

Did you guys hear about the tiny psychic that escaped from prison?

It’s a small medium at large.

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

Did you guys hear about the shipment of spices that fell into the ocean??

Huge waste of thyme.

Did you guys hear about that Mexican stunt man that died?

At the funeral, his mom was crying and yelling at the director saying:

“Jesus died for your scenes!”

Did you guys hear about the italian cook ?

He pasta-way

Did you guys hear about Ke$ha?

She lost all her money on AMC stocks, had to change her name to Ke¢ha.

Did you guys hear about the elf who got tangled up in sleigh bells on his way back to Santa's workshop?

They said he jingled all the way.

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

Did you guys hear about that unexpected volcano eruption?

It was rather pompeiineous

Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

Did you guys hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines.

Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

Did you guys hear about the Mexican standoff?

In the end there was only Juan left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the young Japanese girl who decided to send food to a third world country?

She packed up a frozen waffle she named Carmen and wrote an address on it (that was illegible) but it never made it, and it wasn't sent back, which begs the question, "where in the world is Carmen-san the eggo?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the waterfalls that went up?

They’re called ‘Viagra falls’

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

did you guys hear about the sequel to ball-in-a-cup?

I hear the developers really dropped the ball on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

Yeah he got pissed off

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

Did you guys hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had a loco motive.

Did you guys hear about the guy that got caught stealing pogs?

He got thrown in the slammer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

Did you guys hear about the shoe store that got looted in Baltimore?

The only thing they left were the work boots.

Did you guys hear about that sleepy motorcyle that fell over?

It tried to stay standing, but it was just two-tired.

Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album?

Yeah, it was a world record.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the man with 5 penises?

His underwear fit him like a glove

Did you guys hear about the guy at the glasses shop?

He fell into the lens grinder.
Made a real spectacle of himself.

Did you guys hear about those new corduroy pillows in the news?

They're really making head lines.

Did you guys hear about the Superhero that only sleeps with married women?

He saves wives.

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the baby that was born without eyelids?

He's a boy, and the were gonna circumcise him anyway, so the surgeon used the foreskin to make new eyelids.

Don't worry, the baby's doing great. He's just a little cockeyed.

Did you guys hear about the creation of the moon?

It was a world-shattering event for those who experienced it.

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