Did You Hear The One Jokes - 96 Hilarious Did You Hear The One Jokes

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Did you hear the one about the cult meet and greet?

The punch line is a killer.

Did you hear the one about the hat?

Don't worry, it's over your head.

“Did you hear the one about the bed?”

“It’s not made up yet.”

Did you hear the one about the legume?

Everyone thought he was some kind of nut!

Did you hear the one about the drill?

Nevermind

It's boring.

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Did you hear the one about the donkey with a low IQ?

It's a stupid-ass joke.

Did you hear the one about the extremely adaptable chiropractor to insects?

They were great at making adjustments on the fly.

Did you hear the one about the vaccine?

Personally, I didn't get it, but the one about polio had me rolling on the floor.

Did you hear the one about the gaslighting Redditor?

Yes you did.

Did you hear the one about the Jedi Knight who went on a hunger strike?

It got so bad that his master had to Force feed him

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

Did you hear the one about the Redditor that posts the same jokes every few months?

Yeah... we heard it already.

Did you hear the one about the Yak that likes to tell jokes?

He’s pretty funny! Only thing is he has to stay away from gluten because he has “silly-yak” disease.

Did you hear the one about the LGBTQ2S+ community?

They're working together to build the perfect password

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

Did you hear the one about the stoned proverbialist?

He watched his pot waiting for it to boil.

Did you hear the one about the necrophiliac who was into bestiality?

He gave it up when he realized he was just beating off a dead horse.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry... 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...

Did you hear the one about the sneaky pervert?

They never saw him coming.

Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ?

It doesn’t come back, it just sings about how much it wants to !

Did you hear the one about the dead flower?

I think I should stop telling it, it just makes no scents.

Did you hear the one about the sleepy junkie?

He’s an oxymoron

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear the one about the guy who fell into a lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

Did you hear the one about the man who drank varnish? It was a terrible end…

But he had a beautiful finish.

Did you hear the one about the soda company employee who was out walking on the beach, but drowned?

He was schwepped out to sea

Did you hear the one about the paraplegic boxer?

He really rolls with the punches

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

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Did you hear the one...

About the porn star that gave people COVID?

She was a super spreader!!

Did you hear the one about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? Funny, it’s all over town.

Did you hear the one about Schroedingers failed early experiments with ice boxes?

He titled his paper “Ice Ice Maybe”.

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

Did you hear the one about the guy with three really deep holes in his yard?

Well, well, well

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

Did you hear the one about Bernie Sanders?

Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.

Did you hear the one about the little kid with aids?

It never gets old.

Did you hear the one about the guy who hated coal?

Never mined.

Did you hear the one about the COVID19 vaccine?

Never mind, you probably won’t get it.

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

Did you hear the one about Bach running out of money?

He was Ba-roke.

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Did you hear the one about buttons?

they are sew fasten-ating

Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig?

It didn't make the cut.

Did you hear the one about Trump and the protesters?

It’s a real riot.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Pimp?

He bought a warehouse

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Did you hear the one about the horny, dyslexic, narcoleptic?

He kept falling asleep in warehouses.

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

Did you hear the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.

-came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC

Did you hear the one about the structural engineer's first day on the job?

It was riveting.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?

She sold her soul to Santa.

Did you hear the one about the Stockbroker who got a job at the GAP?

He’s a shorts-seller

Did you hear the one about the blind carpenter?

He was cured when he picked up his hammer and saw.

Did you hear the one about the guy who got shot with a starter pistol?

Police say it may have been race-related.

Did you hear the one about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Did you hear the one about the blond coyote?

She chewed off 3 of her legs and was still stuck in the trap.

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Did you hear the one about the woman that won $500 in an orgasm contest?

She got what she came for.

Did you hear the one about the Mexican train bandit?

He had locomotives.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?

###

Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.

Did you hear the one about the guy that threw his back out?

The garbage collector wouldn’t even take it.

Did you hear the one about nepotism?

You wouldn't get it, but your boss's son would.

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?

He couldn’t handle bars.

Did you hear the one about the woman with a breast implant made of wood?

It would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

Did you hear the one about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

Did you hear the one about Xi Jinping?

This joke has been flagged for violations of our *new* content policy, specifically our policy against inappropriate speech.

Did you hear the one about the angry magician?

He was so mad he pulled his hare out.

Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?

He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"

Did you hear the one about pigs flying?

Yeah, I didn't either... it must be written in invisible oink!

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?

He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.

Did you hear the one about the priest and the alter boy?

It’s actually quite a touching story

So did you hear the one about the blind guy who walked into a bar..

..he walked into the tables and the chairs next.

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Did you hear the one about the breast cancer survivor who got a tattoo??

It was a real tit for tat scenario.

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Did you hear the one about the omnipresent nymphomaniac?

He's fucking EVERYWHERE.

Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

He made him an offer he couldn’t understand.

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Did you hear the one about the Dyslexic bank robber

H ran in to the bank with his gun drawn and yelled

"Put your air up in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up"!

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Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son to stop masturbating or else he'll go blind?

His son said, "Dad, I'm over here."

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

did you hear the one about the mexican restaurant owner who died?

he wanted to be put in the ground upside down with his ankles and feet showing, with one final instruction to the people at his funeral:

burritos

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?

It went down a lane and turned into a field.

Did you hear the one about the boar in the forest?

Oops. Greasy fingers.

Did you hear the one about the briefcase thief?

They got him. It was an open and shut case.

Did you hear the one about the German sausage?

It's the wurst.

Did you hear the one about the smoking nun?

She picked up a bad habit.

Did you hear the one about the plague?

Barely anyone has gotten it in the past 600 years.

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Did you hear the one about Hitler's temper?

He was Fuhrerious.

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Did you hear the one about the gorilla with a food fetish?

It's fucking bananas.

Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings....

Got an Organ instead of a harp😬

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Did you hear the one about the guy who compulsively masturbated at work?

He was just trying to get off.

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

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