UPJOKE

Did I Tell You Jokes

Did I tell you the joke about the Paper?

It’s tearable.

Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I tell you about my Viagra addiction?

It was the hardest 6 months of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I tell you about this reoccurring dream I keep having, the one where i masturbate into the ocean?

Comes in waves.

(oc)

Did I tell you why 10+10 equals 11+11?

Because 10+10 equals twenty, and 11+11 equals twenty too!

Did I tell you the story of Yogi developing a stutter?

It bears repeating.

Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy?

We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

Did I tell you about the guy who was dating a girl with a lazy eye?

The broke up because she was seeing someone on the side

Did I tell you about the foot that became a superhero?

What a leg end.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

Did I tell you about my neighbor who is afraid of chickens?

He built a beautiful fence around his house. All the neighbors say it’s impeccable.

Did I tell you I am putting together an expedition to capture the legendary Sasquatch?

If we're successful, it'll be no small feat.

Did I tell you about the time I took a bunch of crows to the asylum?

I committed a murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I tell you about my trick for getting to the front of the line at gas stations?

I call it my gas trick bypass.

Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom?

It was a brush with death.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I tell you my wife is bisexual?

Every time I want to have sex together I have to buy her something.

Did I tell you about my new Soviet bike?

For some reason it can only do one revolution and then it stops working.

Did I tell you about my doctor. He gave me 6 months to live

I couldn't pay him so he gave me six more

Did I tell you my safari joke?

Never mind... it’s irrelephant

Did I tell you about my crazy camping trip?

It was in tents

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand?

It was fruitless.

Did I tell you the one about the maize?

Nevermind, it's too corny.

Did I tell you about the time Bilbo Baggins woke up to "Don't Stop Believing" on the radio?

It was an unexpected Journey.

Did I tell you guys about the guy who attempted suicide from the top floor of my building?

I thought he was gonna live but that was a different story.

Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day?

Minding my own business, then next minute BOSCH.

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