UPJOKE

Did I Ever Tell You Jokes

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?

No? Well, it’s about thyme!

Did I ever tell you I was in the Navy?

I was a seaman in my father's navy, but then I got discharged.

(Only one person got it without me having to repeat myself)

Did i ever tell you the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes I did, I told you yesterday. You never listen to me.

Did I ever tell you about the time my friend had an exorcism and refused to pay?

He got… Repossessed.

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.

One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you we...

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher?

couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

Did I ever tell you about the time I decided to start my own railroad company?

It never got off the ground.

It was the most success I ever had!

Did I ever tell you I'm allergic to bacon?

It brings me out in rashers.

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Did I ever tell you the one about pornstar?

Its okay it sucks anyway.

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to give a girl in a wheelchair a lap dance?

She wasn't feeling it.

Did I ever tell you about my mute friend?

We used to be very close, but I haven't heard from him for a while.

Did I ever tell you guys about king yardstick?

He was a ruler

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a sign that made me sh!t myself?

It said "bathroom closed."

Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend who had Epilepsy?

I went to a rave. I thought it was so cool that I filmed it. But when I showed it to her, she just rolled her eyes.

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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was admitted to hospital after jamming my cock up my nose? The nurse asked why I did it.

Fuck nose.

Did I ever tell you about how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

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Did I ever tell you about my skinny friend who went to Alaska?

He came back a husky fucker.

Did I ever tell you about the time I traded my German sausage for a seabird?

I took a tern for the wurst.

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Did I ever tell you about the industrial prostitute?

She had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip.

So she can make money on the side.

Did i ever tell you the story about how I climed mount everest?

I made it up

Did I ever tell you about the time my rival claimed he could best me in his sleep?

I retorted with, “That’s the only way you’ll defeat me, is in your dreams.”

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[NSFW] Did I ever tell you guys about my idea for a line of sex toys marketed towards sleazy women?

I'm calling it "Toys for Thots."

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the doctor to get my blood type when I was super depressed?

He said B Positive

"sir this is the eleventh time you’ve been here for the same crime."

your honor, did i ever tell you the definition of insanity?

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One old man telling another old man a story...

“Did I ever tell you about the time I encounterd a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere, a grizzly bear jumped out at me! AAAAHHHH!”

“Wow! So what happened?”

“I crapped my pants.”

“Well, that’s und...

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet.  His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

George Washington's Cherry Tree

A man approaches his son and asks, "Did you push our outhouse into the ditch yesterday?"

The boy replies "No, father; I didn't push the outhouse into the ditch."

The man says "Did I ever tell you about George Washington, a great American hero? When George Washington was a child, he g...

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I'm sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites: The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, t...

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Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied ...

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