UPJOKE

Did You Ever Hear Jokes

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear about the psychic prostitute??

She'll really blow your mind!

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Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

Did you ever hear that joke about Taylor series?

I don’t remember it exactly, but I can tell it pretty close.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

Did you ever hear about the doctor who was so obsessed with body building that it killed him?

I think his name was Frankenstein.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Did you ever hear about Darth Vaders second wife?

Her name was Ella

Did You Ever Hear About Christopher, The Brown-Nosed Reindeer?

He could run just as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick...

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

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Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

Did you ever hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

Don’t worry, he was fine, he sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

Did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

Did you ever hear about McDonald's sending 10 million straws to Ethiopia..

Ethiopia wrote back and said thanks for the leg warmers

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

Did you ever hear the joke about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

No? How about the one who dumped his girlfriend?

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a very well thawed out plan

Did you ever hear the one about the Bulgarian train driver?

So there was once a Bulgarian train driver. He had wanted to be a train driver ever since he was a little boy, and he loved his job. So one day, he was so into his job that he decided to go a little faster. So he sped up the train and it went so fast that it derailed. So the train derailed and it ki...

Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

Did you ever hear about the un-funny clown?

He tried ten times to make the audience laugh, but no pun in ten did.

Did you ever hear about that army from north-west France that was made up entirely of people using polearms?

Y'know. The Brittany Spears?

Did you ever hear about the murder attempt that failed?

You could say it was poorly executed.

Did you ever hear that joke about Jonestown?

Nah, nevermind. The punchline's too long.

Did you ever hear of the landlord who played favorites?

He only did maintenance for his main tenants.

Did you ever hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman?

Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts t...

Did you ever hear about the guy who got both his left arm and left leg chewed off by bears?

Yeah I saw him a few weeks ago, he's all right

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

Some haha's for you to hehe to.....

A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
“No, it says right here,” he said, handi...

An Old Man and a Young Man are watching a play. The young man having issues with his wife, notices the Old Man staring at him. When he asks what’s wrong, the old man replies:

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of ...

Cloud Joke

Did you ever hear about the water in the atmosphere that tried to break the rules of condensation?

It wasn't a cloud.

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