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Delaney Jokes

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

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I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

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Gary Delaney

"We found my uncle dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his ass.

At the funeral, the preacher said he would be remembered for his charity work.

Wrong."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The couple next door have just made a sex tape...

...obviously, they don’t know that yet.



- Gary Delaney

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(Credit to Gary Delaney)

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated

So in the end, we let her live.

(Gary Delaney)

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

50 percent of people who buy tickets to see The Cure actually end up watching Placebo

And they enjoy it just as much.


(It's a Gary Delaney, for anyone who's interested)

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.

-garyDelaney

John Delaney must be a socialist

Because he loves getting publicly owned

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

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