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Delaney Jokes

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

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Gary Delaney

"We found my uncle dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his ass.

At the funeral, the preacher said he would be remembered for his charity work.

Wrong."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The couple next door have just made a sex tape...

...obviously, they don’t know that yet.



- Gary Delaney

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(Credit to Gary Delaney)

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated

So in the end, we let her live.

(Gary Delaney)

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

50 percent of people who buy tickets to see The Cure actually end up watching Placebo

And they enjoy it just as much.


(It's a Gary Delaney, for anyone who's interested)

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.

-garyDelaney

John Delaney must be a socialist

Because he loves getting publicly owned

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

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