UPJOKE

Can You Jokes

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What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

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What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

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Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Can you get married in heaven?

On their way to the church to get married, a catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up...

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's ...

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

How can you tell when a moth farts?

They suddenly fly in a straight line.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

How can you tell if a guy likes Moosehead?

From the antler marks in his thighs.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

How can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?

His girl has to chew before swallowing.

What can you do as a tourist in North Korea?

What you're told.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

Can you quote Rosa Parks?

No.

How far in to the forest can you go ?

Don’t matter which forest or how big it is dummy, its always half way. Any more than that and you’re on the way out. Duh!

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

How can you get the attention of a pervert?

Mark the post with an NSFW tag

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

“Can you please tell me the primary weapon used by ninjas?”

“Shuriken”

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

Where can you find a quadriplegic?

Right where you left 'em

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

What can you convert Christmas to?

Christenergy

What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend?

She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

"Tony, can you spell your name backwards?"

Tony: sure... y not

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

How can you spot the rank of a Russian?

By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.

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What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?

That was great! I'm stuffed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell that someone's a homewrecker?

It's fucking apparent.

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?

And getting stuck on 2 across..

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

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