UPJOKE

Can You Tell Me Jokes

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

"Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"

"Y"

"So I can make a stupid joke"

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don’t you try to find that yourself?

Can you tell me the name of an African country?

I don't know... Can ya?

Yeah, that's one

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

Little Johnny, can you tell me what "Monumental" means?

"It means acting crazy," says little Johnny.

"Where did you hear that?" the teacher asks.

"From the Jamaican guy next door.

Can you tell me another name for a ninja star?

Sure I can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

The border guard asks Napoleon ‘Can you tell me your nationality?’

‘Course I can.
Corsican.’

Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?

Brace yourself...

Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Course I can

Man: "Can you tell me how much it is to rent a church singing group?

Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"

Man: Sure, Father, sure. Can you tell me how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

What can you tell me about your father? "I hope he's dead." Why would you say such a horrible thing?

"Because we buried him 20 years ago."

I asked a sweet old woman, “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

She said, “Sure, honey.”

And pushed me under a bus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope thinks for a second, "No, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Europe." And the other dw...

Stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from a staircase?

No stepson

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

Son: Dad can you tell me your favorite Beatles lyric?

Son, son, son, here it comes:

“Hey, have you heard the joke about a guy who kept procrastinating?” “No. Can you tell me?”

“Actually, nevermind, I’ll tell you later.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

Can you tell me why the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?

well me boy, one more would be "twofarty".

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doctor, my wife was admitted to this hospital with violent butt spasms. Can you tell me where she is now?”

Doctor: “ICU baby, shaking that ass!”

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's Gates

when an angel comes to him with a message that he needs to attend to. Not wanting to leave the Gates unattended, he looks around for help. Just at that moment, he sees Jesus coming around the corner so he calls him over.

"Hey Jesus, can you help me out? I need to take care of something. Could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy to his Girlfriend: Can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time....

Girl: You have the largest penis among your friends.

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A guy turns 61 and to cheer himself up he gets a facelift. It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?”

It turns out really good and he goes back to work. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: “Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am?” and the girl goes “I don’t know...53?” He says “ well that’s great, I’m actually 61.“ Later that day, he goes to McDonal...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my ass hurts!” He said
“Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said
“Right around the entrance!” He replied
“My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

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