UPJOKE

Can You Tell Jokes

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

How can you tell when a moth farts?

They suddenly fly in a straight line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

How can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?

His girl has to chew before swallowing.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell that someone's a homewrecker?

It's fucking apparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

How can you tell if someone is vegan?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you…

How can you tell a developer from an astronomer?

You ask them what does JWT stands for

How can you tell an engineer is extroverted?

When speaking to them they look at your shoes.

How can you tell the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?

The taste.

How can you tell if your cat is a Mormon?

He has nine wives…

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

How can you tell my parents are abusive?

Beats me

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

How can you tell a blind man at a nudist colony?

*It isn't hard....*

how can you tell who loves you more: your wife or your dog?

Lock them in your car trunk, drive around for an hour or two, open it up and see who is happier to see you.

How can you tell when there’s an orca under your bed?

The ceiling is a lot closer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if a man is gay?

He gets a hard on when I fuck him in the ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the difference between Japanese people and other Asian people?

Use a Geiger counter

*Credit: my friend who has a lot of dark humour

How can you tell if a stage is level?

There’s drool coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

What can you tell us about Curium and Barium?

If you can't curium you'll have to barium

How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?

Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

How can you tell if a Redditor is European?

Don't worry, he'll tell you

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

How can you tell when a Deadhead has been to your house?

He's still there

How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

How can you tell if a cow farted

Its Dairy Air

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don’t you try to find that yourself?

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

How can you tell Little Miss Muffet is Turkish?

Because she kept the Kurds away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down it's genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

How can you tell if a tiktoker has mental health issues?

They'll tell you.

How can you tell Odin's sons apart?

Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.


His brother is Balder.

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

How can you tell if a pirate is racist?

He uses a hard Arrrr!

How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?

It doesn’t have a home page.

How can you tell when seaweed is in trouble?

It yells "kelp!"

How can you tell Halloween is just around the corner?

Stores start putting out their Christmas decorations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

***Ans*****.** The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

How can you tell the difference between vaccinated vs un-vaccinated people?

Ask them who won the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

T...

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

the sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if a house was built by homosexual carpenters?

There isn't a straight beam in the house

How can you tell female ants from male ants?

They're all females, otherwise they'd be called uncles

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

How can you tell between a German and a Frenchman?

Whether he’s raising one arm or two

How can you tell a Futurama fan by asking them about the current state of Covid?

They can correctly pronounce Omicron

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman.

Snowballs

How can you tell the Head girl of a school?

She is the one with the muddy knees.

How can you tell what rank a Russian military officer is?

The number of stripes on their tracksuit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.



My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

How can you tell a hobo just got laid?

He's got 2 clean fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

How can you tell a post on Reddit is high effort?

Simple, just look for the "0 Comments" under it

"Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"

"Y"

"So I can make a stupid joke"

How can you tell you are an 80's kid?

When you are Rick rolled and go "Hey, I love this song!"

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

How can you tell if someone is blind?

Their alphabet goes:
ABDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?

It only has Finns on one side.

How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees?

Because they're all fellers.

How can you tell the head nurse in a hospital?

She’s got the dirtiest knees

How can you tell if a vampire has covid

Check how much he it coffin

How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.

How can you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?

One has a ding-dong and the other has knockers.

How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile?

One says “see you later” while the other says “after ‘while”.

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.



How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you?

There is a string hanging out of your bloody mary.

How can you tell with 100% certainty that a parent is treating their kid right?

The kids cage is cleaned regularly.

How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?

If it's a bill, it's fee mail.

How can you tell which of your friends went to Harvard?

Don't worry they'll tell you



this is a super old joke and I'm sorry for repeating it, I just heard someone tell me they went to Harvard

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.