UPJOKE

Better Place Jokes

Grandmother's in a better place now...

Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.

Reddit makes the world a better place

...everything gets recycled here!

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about good posture...

It's just a hunch.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

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The world would be a much better place if people like Adolf Hitler were still born.

EDIT: typo, 'stillborn'

I just heard Harry Belafonte died.

Wait, that's Day-o news.

(Before the onslaught of downvotes for disrespecting Mr. Belafonte, he was a truly talented and charismatic guy who made the world a better place. I just thought we needed a new joke once in a while.)

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I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

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A joke I heard as a kid: “Three ants are sleeping on a beautiful naked woman…

… and the morning after they are debating on who found the better place to sleep.

The first ant says: “My spot was the best! I rested on the soft hills”

The second ant replies: “No, no, mine was the best! I slept in the deep forest”

Then the third ant comes and says: “Well...

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

A mathematician asked me to turn 6 into 9 by subtraction

Me: You mean by addition?

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's

And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...

Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better plac...

The sad old man

An old man was sitting outside his porch one day with a very sad face. The mailman saw him and tried to cheer him up. The mailman said " you wanna see my package?" The old man just looked at the mailman without even smiling nor saying a single word. The mailman gave up and left. Then along came a ma...

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

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Engineer in Hell

There was a engineer who went to heaven, but when he got to the gates, St. Peter told him that he wasn't on the list and sent him to Hell. Thinking he'd spend his whole eternal life in Hell, the engineer decided to try and make it a better place.

Seeing as Hell was really hot, the engineer bu...

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day


heard from the mailman who comes in to my shop with a new joke every day. He's making the world a better place one joke at a time

When Hugh Hefner dies

I don't think people will say he's in a better place.

A priest is giving a nun a ride home after mass one day...

As they come to a stoplight the priest rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun says "Father remember Luke 14:10", and the priest removes his hand from her knee. A little while later they come to a stop again and he places his hand on her thigh, she again says "Father remember Luke 14:10", he quickl...

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Luke 14:10

A priest and a nun are driving in a car towards a monastery, priest behind the wheel.

Approaching the red light, priest places gently his hand on the nuns knee to which the nun looks at him and says:
-- Father, remember "Luke 14:10"
Priest apologies, removes his hand and keeps on drivi...

A priest, a Teacher, and an Engineer.

3 of them are best friends and one weekend they decided to go to town to have a drink and inadvertently got drunk to a point of blacking out. Upon waking up they found themselves arrested, guiltily charged of a crime and sentenced to death by electrocution. The priest is strapped to the chair
...

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