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A List Jokes

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...
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I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...
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My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's going to be a list published of the top 10 most viewed porn videos.

What is the world coming to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

A list dog strays I to the Jungle...

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this little guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind of thing before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some...
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Hired a handy man and gave him a list.

When I got home, only #1, 3 & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
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“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”
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A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.
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My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
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I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license
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Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list

Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!
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A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.
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I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...
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What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<
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My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.
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My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.
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A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...
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Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...
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We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh

No pun in ten did
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I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.
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I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list
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What do you call a list with columns and rows of reasons why you hate people?

A contempt-table
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I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you
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Here's a list of jokes I came up with, sorry if they've already been made

\- I would make a divorce joke, but I can't commit to it.
\- I would make a sticker joke, but it'd probably wear off.
\- I would make a rocket joke, but I'm not sure if it would land.
\- I would make a yoga joke, but that's a bit of a stretch.
\- I would make a joke about philoso...
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He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶
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A List of Things I Hate

1. Unoriginal jokes
2. Hypocrisy
3. Irony
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I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases
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I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]
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I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.
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My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things
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I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran
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IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.
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To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe
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I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...
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Saw a list of the top ten card games

Uno is number one
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I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD.

1.
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I decided to make a list of all the things I'm bad at

2) Lists
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I could make a list of all the musicians I don't like

But that would just be Petty.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of my favourite jokes! The first 10 is Great and the last is fucking gold

1. Great
2. Great
3. Great
4. Great
5. Great
6. Great
7. Great
8. Great
9. Great
10. Great
11. Fucking gold

I saw a list of the top ten jokes on r/Jokes

It was a great joke. I had to read it ten times, though.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

ICE provided us a list of all the undocumented immigrants in our neighborhood

[removed]
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The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called...

To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...
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I'm making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendo...

But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.

A bear prepares a list of all the animals he's planning to eat.

All the animals find out about the list and are extremely frightened. The deer walks up to the bear and asks "Bear, am I on your list?"
"Of course you are." Replies the bear.
"Can you do me just one favor and let me live another day so that I can say goodbye to all my loved ones?"
The...
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A list as long as my arm..

I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide
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I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.
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I've made a list of seven notes on how to get to the front page

If you follow the first 6 it will get you a few hundred upvotes but with Note 7 it will blow up
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I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.
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A list of con-man jokes.

What?

You were expecting your money's worth?

Now begger off before I set Fred on you.
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What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.
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I gathered a list of ten puns yesterday.

And i wanted to see if any were reasonable. So i put them all to the test to see if they would pass.

No pun-in-ten-did.

I made a list on how to do an impersonation of Victor Meldrew

a) Don't

b) Leave it
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Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.
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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

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