UPJOKE

A List Of Jokes

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

I hired a Handyman and gave him a list of things to fix. He only worked on numbers 1, 3, and 5.

I guess he only does odd jobs.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

A List of Things I Hate

1. Unoriginal jokes
2. Hypocrisy
3. Irony

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

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I looked up a list of finger combinations used for masturbation.

Numbers 1 3 & 4 will shock you.

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

Here's a list of jokes I came up with, sorry if they've already been made

\- I would make a divorce joke, but I can't commit to it.
\- I would make a sticker joke, but it'd probably wear off.
\- I would make a rocket joke, but I'm not sure if it would land.
\- I would make a yoga joke, but that's a bit of a stretch.
\- I would make a joke about philoso...

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh

No pun in ten did

What do a book listing all Vietnamese generals and a list of all the problems with my wifi have in common?

'Hi Ping' is probably there somewhere.

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

Saw a list of the top ten card games

Uno is number one

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD.

1.

A list of con-man jokes.

What?

You were expecting your money's worth?

Now begger off before I set Fred on you.

I could make a list of all the musicians I don't like

But that would just be Petty.

I saw a list of the top ten jokes on r/Jokes

It was a great joke. I had to read it ten times, though.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

I decided to make a list of all the things I'm bad at

2) Lists

I'm making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

A bear prepares a list of all the animals he's planning to eat.

All the animals find out about the list and are extremely frightened. The deer walks up to the bear and asks "Bear, am I on your list?"
"Of course you are." Replies the bear.
"Can you do me just one favor and let me live another day so that I can say goodbye to all my loved ones?"
The...

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I gathered a list of ten puns yesterday.

And i wanted to see if any were reasonable. So i put them all to the test to see if they would pass.

No pun-in-ten-did.

ICE provided us a list of all the undocumented immigrants in our neighborhood

[removed]

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

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I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendo...

But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.

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A list of my favourite jokes! The first 10 is Great and the last is fucking gold

1. Great
2. Great
3. Great
4. Great
5. Great
6. Great
7. Great
8. Great
9. Great
10. Great
11. Fucking gold

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called...

To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...

I've made a list of seven notes on how to get to the front page

If you follow the first 6 it will get you a few hundred upvotes but with Note 7 it will blow up

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

Scientists have finally released a list of ten MOST IMPORTANT things a human must have in order to live long. NUMBER 7 WILL DEFINITELY SHOCK YOU!!!

1. protection from elements
2. air
3. water
4. food
5. cloth
6. communication
7. electricity
8. cats
9. feels
10. dank memes

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

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Young priest stands in...

.../ for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass, a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole $5 from the husband's wallet"
...

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

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