UPJOKE
satfrilamlpmmidnightmonnoonthurstue

2am Jokes

A strange man in my kitchen at 2am:

"Hi, I'm Bernie the burglar."

"Right. I'm Colin the police."

My neighbour was bashing on our door at 2am this morning.

Lucky I was still up playing the drums.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 2am. This guy is walking back his date to her apartment building...

They're standing in front of the building entrance

"C'mon Mary, you know I like you. Just give me a little kiss on my dick before you go? Just a quick bj, that's all..."

*"I'm not like that, Jonh. I don't think I should"*

"Mary, you know I like you a lot. We had a great date. Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 2am and the doorbell rings.

I run down stairs and open the door. There's a bloke there looking a bit desperate and says, "I know it's really late, but can you give me a push". I tell him to piss off and I go back to bed.

Wife asks who it was - I tell her. She says I'm a right cunt for not helping and I should give him a...

A man was stopped by the police around 2am...

The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.


The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer said, "Oh really, and who's giving that lecture at th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking coffee at 2am in night shift

Me: I was hoping to get some energy and alertness from you......

Coffee: Best I can do is poop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggers home drunk at 2am to an irate wife.

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me....

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?

Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking marijuana with friends who are a bad influence.

State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morni...

My neighbour came round to see me at 2AM yesterday,

It was lucky I was up playing the bagpipes

So my son came home drunk at 2am.

I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic...

My neighbour came banging on my front door at 2 o'clock in the morning last night...

can you believe it... 2am in the morning!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A BLOKE was staggering drunkenly along the side of the road at 2am.

the cops drove up alongside him and demanded to know what he was up to.

“It's all fine, officers,” he assured them. “I’m just off to a lecture.”

“Who the hell gives lectures at this time of night?” asked one of the cops.

“My wife,” said the drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Shaun, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

A guy goes speeding down the freeway at 2am on a Sunday morning, when he gets stopped by a cop.

Officer: Son, i've been waiting for you all day.

Driver: Sorry officer, i got here as fast as i could.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

Children's laughter can be a wonderful thing

Unless its 2AM and you don't have any kids.

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone and I’ll find out.’

*plays trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently moved into an apartment building from a house.

The neighbors came knocking at the door at 2am, are all high density living situations full of assholes.

Anyway, it totally interupted my drum lesson.

Proudly showing off his new flat…

… to his friends last night, a slightly tipsy man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that for?” one of the guests asked.
“That’s the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How does it work?” asked his friend.
“Watch…” the man said, giving it a whack with...

As I got home drunk...

... at 2AM, my wife refused to let me in, but luckily my best friend opened the door for me.
So happy to have homie like him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

Give shampoo to your real friends.

And real poo to your sham friends.



(Repost, because it turns out, you can mess things up even before 2AM)

How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

Chinese 69

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

How to know the time

Dude 1: Yo what's the time.

Dude 2: Dunno pass me that trombone and I'll find out.

Dude 2: (plays trombone loudly)

3 Neighbours Simultaneously: HEY WHO'S PLAYIN' THAT TROMBONE AT 2AM!?!?!?

Dude 1: Broooooo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up at 2am with poop in my PJ's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife is in bed with her lover...

A housewife is in bed with her lover. All of a sudden she hears her husband’s car pull up. He came home early from a business trip! In a panic she is frantically trying to think of a place to hide her lover and suddenly has an idea. She tells him to go stand in a corner of the kitchen and pretend to...

I got caught up far too late in a great book last night.

I was up coloring til after 2am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fur trapper walks into a bar

A fur trapper walks into a small town bar. He tells the guys at the bar "I bet you a drink that I can identify any animal pelt, and what it was killed with, by touch alone." Amused, one man went out to his truck and got a pelt out. The trapper was blindfolded and handed the pelt. "Ah, gray squirrel,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is with his best friend at a local pub

He looks at his watch, raises his eyebrows, and groans, "Oh shit, not again!"


"Why? What's the matter, chum?" asks the second man


"It's already 2AM, my wife's gonna kill me; she always knows when I get home too late." the first man exclaims


"I thought Brenda sleeps e...

An Air Force guy and an Army guy

There's a soldier from the Air Force driving from Richmond to Wagga, and an Army guy driving from Wagga to Richmond. In the middle of the night, around 2am, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter & Paula

"Wake up Paula!" Peter yelled at 2am.

"You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"

"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the friggin' fridge again!"

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good one for those of you finishing up finals.

4 buddies are seniors in college and all 4 of them have 4.0 GPAs and are majoring in biology. Even though their last final is on Monday, they decide they wanted to go to the all girls college across town and party until Saturday night, come back Sunday, study all day, and take the exam on Monday. Wh...

Army Post

A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...

They had desserted ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story in one of ukrainian flats

2am after good old day gaming. Going to toilet to take a shit.

After a bit of time, in flat above me I heat it, moaning, an intercorse in action.

2 minutes and dead silence...

Just had to do it, yelled out :"and thats that it?!?"
Hear a woman giggle and reply :"shocked mysel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magical guitar

Alex and John were talking and suddenly John saw an electric guitar in Alex room and said " Is that new?"
Alex said " yeah that new and its magical!"
John said "really! What's the magic?"
Alex said "whenever I play this guitar I get to know " what's the time."
John said "how?"
Alex sa...

The clear coast

A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.

The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"

At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

X-Rated Cinderella

You all know the story, Cinderella makes a deal with the Fairy Godmother to go out to the ball, but this time, at midnight, its her downstairs that turns into a pumpkin.

So away she goes to find her Prince, while the Fairy Godmother sits at home waiting.

12 o'clock rolls around, and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The real story of Cinderella

Many people don't know the true story, but the fairy godmother told Cinderella that if she did not return from the ball by midnight, her vagina would turn into a pumpkin. So Cinderella left and the fairy godmother waited patiently for her return. Midnight came, no Cinderella. 2am, no Cinderella. Fin...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

A Portuguese man went shopping for his wife

He left 4pm. It was already 10pm and he had not arrived yet, his wife was already walking around in circles, worried about her husband... 11pm, midnight... 1am, 2am... It was 4am when he finally arrived.

Really mad at him, she wants to know what has happened that took him so long, and he answ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim decided to go drinking after work instead of...

...going home to his wife.

A few hours, and cocktails, went by. He struck up a conversation with a nice looking female. Libations took the conversation where it probably shouldn't have gone, and they ended up leaving together.

They wound up at her place. Of course, one thing lead to an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"No, Dave, you're not going down the pub tonight!"

Dave: "I'll be fine. Don't worry"

Mary: "Every time you go to the pub you get too pissed and you're sick on yourself"

Dave: "Don't worry, I'm only going for one. I promise."


...

So Dave is 4 drinks in and he tells the lads he has to leave.

Dave: "You know why. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Problems only a child could solve.

A young boy wakes his mother up in the middle of the night asking his mother for Viagra.

The mother freaks out and asks her child why he needs Viagra.

The boy explains that he is having trouble pooping.

The mother, still confused asks why he would think Viagra would help him poo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his dad about how politics work

His father explains: Well my son, look at it this way. It is split into five main sections: The people, the government, the economic power, the future of the country and the working class.



Son: I don't understand



Father: Think of it this way: I am the one who earns all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The trick to impotency

A couple are trying to have a baby but have been so unsuccessful that the husband can't even get it up anymore from so much trying.

He's talking to his mates at the bar one night about it and no matter what his pals suggest they try he says they've already done it and it just doesnt excite hi...

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.

The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backw...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.