UPJOKE

You Ever Jokes

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

If you ever worry about eating too much and want to lose weight just take your clothes off and start eating in front of a mirror

The restaurant staff usually kicks you out ages before you can eat too much!

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

If you ever meet someone that you just don't like, try walking a mile in their shoes...

At least that way, you'll be a mile away from them - and they'll have no shoes to run & catch you with.

Did you ever wonder why Peter Pan is always flying?

It's because he can never NEVER land lol

Have you ever been extreme camping?

It's in tents!

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Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

If you ever get locked out of your house talk to the lock calmly …

As communication is key.

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”

Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

If you ever want to sin, make sure you have some Earl Grey on you!

Because with tea, immoral acts become immortal acts!

If you ever feel useless in life

Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's

If you ever hire a psychic, dont

don't hire one that's too big or too small

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

I can never get their tiny legs apart.

Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle?

[YES]





[NO]





[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]





[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]

If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but...

They’re liquorish.

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Have you ever seen the porn version of “Gilligan’s Island?“

In the end, they all get off

Have you ever looked up synonyms for trash

and found they are garbage?

What a waste.

;-;

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

You ever hear the one about how many programmers it takes to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

If you ever feel lonely

Just watch a horror movie in the dark, you won’t feel lonely anymore

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

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Have you ever been driving

And seen another driver do something so incredibly stupid that you had to stop masturbating?

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Have you ever noticed how cocky violinists are?

They take a bow before they even play anything.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?

They are deathly afraid of being exorcized

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Did you ever hear about the psychic prostitute??

She'll really blow your mind!

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"What was the best orgasm you ever had?" I asked my girlfriend.

She smiled at me and said, "Do you remember our third date?"



I grinned. "I sure do, honey."



She said, "I had sex with some guy before we met that day and it was amazing."

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

you ever hear about Darth Vader's other daughter, Ella Vader?

She's really going up in the world.

Have you ever tried Turkish food?

You oughtta man!

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

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Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

My coworker asked me this today. “Of course!” I replied

She interjected “How did you get their tiny legs apart?”

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

Have you ever noticed that old ladies all smell the same?

Especially when you dig them up after 3 weeks.

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

Have you ever dated someone with a high-pitched voice?

They're nothing but treble.

Have you ever been hit by a rental car before?

Nah but I’ve heard it Hertz

Did you ever hear that joke about Taylor series?

I don’t remember it exactly, but I can tell it pretty close.

If you ever meet a chemist, make sure to tell him all your life's problems.

He'll have a solution for sure.

Have you ever considered a career in shipbuilding?

I heard it's riveting.

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

Do you ever feel useless?

You could be some German factory worker installing blinkers on a new BMW.

Have you ever eaten horseshoe crab?

I heard it was good, but idk if I’d ever trilobite.

Do you ever wake up disappointed because you were eating something tasty in your dreams?

Stacey. Her name was Stacey.

You ever hear about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shay

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

Have you ever seen serial numbers on a condom?

That’s probably because you’ve never had to roll it back far enough.

Why would you ever want to google yourself?

Search me...

Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

You ever heard of silent tennis?

It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

Have you ever tried clownfish?

Taste kind of funny.

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

Have you ever...

"Have you ever taken it in the other hole?"


"No way, that would get me pregnant!"

Have you ever had the theme from "The Love Boat" stuck in your head?

Now you have. You're welcome.

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Do you ever put it in your wife's other hole?

Guy asks his buddy: Do you ever put I in your wife's other hole?
The friend answers: Are you fuckig crazy?! And get her pregnant?!

Have you ever heard a grammar teacher tell a story?

It's always intense!

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

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You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off once."

Why shouldn't you ever fight a boxer?

Because the fight would be brief

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s really time consuming

Hey girl have you ever had an Australian kiss?

It’s like a French kiss but down under

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?

Anyway, I need bail.

Why don't you ever seen women magicians?

Because the last time we did we burned them

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

If you ever want to call a family meeting...

Just turn off the WIFI router and wait in the room in which it is located.

Have you ever had a threesome?

No. If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at the same time, I’d have dinner with my parents.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You never know what you’re missing.

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I was at a Safari, when the guide told us, “If you ever see a lion charging, reach behind your back and fling some poop at the lion to startle him.”

Me: Where will I find the poop?

Guide: Trust me, it’ll be there.

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Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."

If you ever get bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Have you ever heard of the world's largest pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

If you ever get into a pillow fight with death...

You'd best be ready for the Reaper Cushions

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Have you ever had the misfortune to meet Oedipus?

He’s a real motherfucker.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Have you ever just had the urge to eat something right in front of you?

Yeah, that’s why I’m no longer a gynecologist.

If you ever want to hide something...

Put it on the second page of Google

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Do you ever smoke after?

A young couple is having sex for the first time. After they are finished the guy asks his girlfriend, “Do you ever smoke afterwards?” She looks down and says, “I don’t know, I never looked.”

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Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

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Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?

Because rear defroster was already taken.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

Have you ever heard shovels?

It’s a groundbreaking invention.

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

You ever been to Oklahoma?

Yeah, it's OK.

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A friend asked me: Do you remember the first time you ever masturbated?

I said "Hell no, I can't even remember the first time I masturbated TODAY"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

An interviewer asks Putin, "Do you ever think there'll be a female president?"

"Of course not," Putin replies

"Why?" the interviewer inquires

"Am I female?" Putin responds



^(btw free navalny)

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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

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