UPJOKE

You Drive Jokes

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen...

...does that make it an Edison?

What kind of car do you drive before you hijack an airline?

A DB Mini Cooper

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

what's the difference between where you park and where you drive?

A lot.

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

What do you drive in the fall?

An Autumn-mobile.

I came up with this when I was six :)

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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“What car do you drive?” “

“A little corsa”
“What fucking car do you drive, dickhead?”

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood?

No Outlets.

How do you drive away from a banana?

You peel out.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

On which side do you drive?

On which side do you drive?
American: Right-side.
Britisher: Left-side
Indian: Depends on which side the oncoming traffic is.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Why can't you drive a gerbil?

Because you can't get it out of Gere!

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Two men are discussing habits.

The first man says, "Do you smoke?"

The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?"

The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?"

The second man says, "Only 20 each!"

"And how long have you been smoking?"

"A few years, why?"

"S...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

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If you drive a truck once does that make you a truck driver? If you fly a airplane once does that make you a pilot?

But you suck one cock......

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

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