UPJOKE

What Do You Call A Jokes

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

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What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

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What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

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[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

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What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

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What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75?

Your Honor!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Senator!

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

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What do you call a homosexual Russian knight?

Sergei

What do you call a fake Mongolian?

A Khan artist!

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

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What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

What do you call a bunch of snakes in a suit?

No, seriously... I'm new at this job and I don't know how to address an email to the CEO.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.

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what do you call a boat carrying penis shaped potatoes?

A dictatorship

What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

A Try Sarah’s tops

What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a bear?

Claude.

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call a fragrant Tomato?

A roma

[NSFW] What do you call a submissive Furry?

A subwoofer

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

A pack of donkeys is called "a drove". But what do you call a pack of camels?

It's called "the reason your daddy left", Johnny. That's what it's called.

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

What do you call a threesome with one person?

Handsome.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

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What do you call a prince fucking a princess ?

Princest



Yeah i'll leave

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

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What do you call a horny Russian woman?

Ivana Sukhimoff

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It won’t come over anyway.

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it

What do you call a blind fascist?

A Not-See

What do you call a joke that doesn’t make sense?

To get to the other side.

What do you call a hooker's fart?

A prostitoot

what do you call a police officer with an IQ of 160?

Fired.

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