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What's difference between the United States and unprotected sex?

With the US, it doesn't matter if it pulls out or not. You are screwed anyways.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

What comes after the United States of America?

USB

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

What do the United States and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both focus too much on race.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

The United States Congress has a new sign hanging in the hallway

It reads "Not responsible for lost or stolen Articles"

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

Why is the United States of America losing the fight against Covid-19?

Because they can't shoot it like the rest of their problems.

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you make sure your Viagra is from the United States?

You don’t want Russians meddling with your erections.

I was talking about the presidents of the United States today...

Then it hit me -


Orange is the new Black.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

A reporter is interviewing the President of the United States…

WALLACE (Interviewer) But I've got to tell you, if I may, sir, respectfully, in the Fox poll, they asked people, who is more competent? Who's got -- whose mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that.
TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Jo...

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

I used to really love the United States, but I gradually tired of the decadence it was sinking into. I packed my stuff and moved somewhere else.

Now I'm an expatriot.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

My friend said to me today: With what’s happening in the United States it looks like they are cursed.

As if they had built their state on an Indian cemetery !

Canada is a lot cooler than the United States

Especially during the winter

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

How did the coronavirus blow a 100-10 lead on racism in the United States?

Because racism has the home-field advantage.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best...

Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Why did the United States send missiles to me after asking me not to leave?

Because I ran.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

The President of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody's sure who's going to win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump.

r/wordavalanches

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the United States?

Because, freedom rings

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I challenged the President of the United States to a contest, to see who was better musically.

I challenged him on strings, and he strung me along. I tried percussion, and he beat me senseless. I even attempted to best him on woodwind, but he just blew me away. Ready to give up, I gave my best attempt on brass...

...and he just couldn't Trump it.

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States

The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"

The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

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I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,..

..He will be rolling in his grave.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

If the United States put Trump on Mount Rushmore,

It'll be "huge".

Jokes are just like presidents of the United States.

They're old and they're just here to get votes.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

Worst days in United States history..

.. 9/11 and 11/9

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A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.

The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.

The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and ...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

They had no use for one with only one hand up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Haji comes to the United states

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de ...

What would happen if the United States were to switch from Pounds to Kilograms over night?

*A Mass Confusion*

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.

Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

The President of the United States gets himself all worked up about Mexicans

I don't feel the same way.

That's his panic

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Canadian Hosers Declare War on the United States

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya d...

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

What's a black person of the United States called?

A frickin' American.

What'd you expect, something racist?

A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball

2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling

3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football

4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball

5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis

6...

Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

if everyone in the United States drove a pink automobile what would we have?

a pink carnation

Trumps wall is supposedly supposed to keep illegals out of the United States...

But unfortunately it's keeping Trump inside the White House as well.

Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Hispanic living in the United States? (NSFW)

Amaricon

Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!

Ah...wait...

4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to g...

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

Hilary Clinton will be the first f president of the united states....

i was gonna say female but someone deleted the emale.

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