UPJOKE

A tramp walks into a decorating store

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have ...

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..

so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it ...

What was the original name for a trampoline?

It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.

a very enthusiastic teen

Went to the drug store to get the necessities of his first love making experience.
He said to the pharmacist "I need 12 rubbers. I have a hot date with the school tramp. We are going all the way tonight"

Later that night at his dates house. The girls family invites him in for some dinner...

A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later.

"May... may I speak to George, please?"

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

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A prostitute got a tramp stamp

It said "tips appreciated"

I just googled "Tramp" instead of "Trump" by mistake.

I still got the information I needed.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

Tramp stamp

Single people discussing their dating life with married friends is like getting a tramp stamp with a misspelling.

Irreversible, permanent and embarrassing.

What do you call a woman that bounces from one guy to the next?

Tramp Pauline

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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!"

"Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".

Here is the one from the book about the doctor and the trump (not the president)

It happened that the doctor and the tramp (not all tramps are poor) bought a piece of land opposite to each other. They started to build their houses and the tramp liked the brick that the doctor used so he bought the same. After the tramp put in the windows and the doors, the doctor liked those too...

I do whatever I can to fight poverty

So the other day, I punched a tramp

(Courtesy of Milton Jones)

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

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Suicide Prevention

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old basta...

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get?

A tramp stamp, and it says, "No postage necessary if nailed in the US."

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

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A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and w...

Talking Dog

So an old tramp walks into a bar with his dog. He’s says to the barman ‘if I can make this dog talk will you give me a beer. ‘ the barman replies ‘mate if you can get that dog to talk you’ll be drinking free beer for a week’. The tramp puts the dog on the bar and everyone gazed at it expectantly......

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Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight wh...

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A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long]

One Saturday afternoon in Ireland, a man is playing a round of golf on his local public course. As he approaches the eighth hole, he hits the ball and slices it pretty hard to the right. Grumbling, he walks out, deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he stumbles...

I walked out of my local shop today...

...and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I re...

Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

A bartender is about to close up for the night...

When a tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick. Confused, he agrees and tells him to get gone as he wants to get home. As one tramp leaves, another one enters and asks for a tooth pick. Again the bartender gives him one and tells him to leave. As this tramp he leaves another one enters and he shouts...

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Falling penis...

A woman comes home from work early, only to find her husband in bed with the tramp from next door for the third time.

"Lenny! I told you the next time I catch you cheating on me- it's coming off and it's going out the window!"

She runs to the kitchen, grabs a butchers knife and runs ...

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Got my boss yesterday

A guy at work was asking what to do with old clothes, he didn't want to just throw them out,
Suggestions were given such as: car boot sale, charity shops even eBay,
the boss walks past at this moment and says " I use old clothes as cleaning rags in my house "
so I say " what.... and then y...

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Talented Pets

A tramp goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone i...

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As i walked my girlfriend home

Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.

As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.

"Look at that po...

TIL that regardless of the technical definition...

your girlfriend will not appreciate being called a tramp.

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