UPJOKE

Three Mile Jokes

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I ran for three miles today.

Finally, I turned around and said, “Jesus lady! Take your fucking purse back!”

I had to run three miles today *sigh*

Guess that lady must have really wanted the purse.....

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?"

and I said, "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

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A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)



Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the e...

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I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

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A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.

The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'

Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work...

My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos.

Mine broke down three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way.


I won.

A cannibal tribe captures an American, a German and a Russian.

"Alright guys. As you last wish, you get to order a drink. And then you have to shoot that parrot from a three mile distance with this old rifle. If you hit the parrot, you will be released, otherwise we are going to eat you".

American: "Alright, give me a bottle of Coca Cola." He drinks the ...

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

Three ladies are hanging out at a bar.

But its a quiet night, so they decide to mix it up a bit. Each decides to go to a bar and meet up the next morning, sharing stories on how drunk they got.

The next morning, the three ladies meet up at a coffee shop and begin to share their stories.

The first one begins, with "i got so ...

A deranged man was tossing a brick off of the interstate overpass

He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.

Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.

The brick crashed through the windshield, ca...

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A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has...

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