UPJOKE

They Say Jokes

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

They say I'm overconfident

Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!

Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!

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They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

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They say sex sells...

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

**Edit** Ten hours in, this is my highest rated post ever! happy I found a place where im appreciated. ill come back with more material! :D

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They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

They say there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until you catch one you’re just holding your rod.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

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They say pineapples make your semen taste better

I find that it just ruins the pineapple

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

They say penguins mate for their whole life

God knows where they get the stamina

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They say make up sex is the best...

Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.

They say marriage is like a three-ring circus

First, you get the engagement ring.

Then, you get the wedding ring.

And finally, you get suffering

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

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If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

They say "You are what you eat"...

... but that can't be true, because I don't feel like a large Italian with everything.

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

They say a woman's work is never done

that's probably why they get paid less

They say the sea is a harsh mistress.

But I show up for boot camp in assless chaps and suddenly I'm "not US Navy material?"

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

They say "Time flies when you're having fun"...

I don't get it man, what's the best way to time a fly?

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Turns out the parents of the cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.

They say comedy = Tragedy + Time.

So I started giving away watches at disasters.

They say science and religion do not go together.

But if it wasn't for DNA evidence, the priest wouldn't be arrested.

You know what they say about people with an architecture fetish…

Build it and they will come

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They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

I’ll remember that the next time I get lonely.

Why do they say “break a leg” in the theater?

Because they want to see you in a cast.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

To which I say, “Stop eating cameras.”

They say good dads are hard to find...

But bad dads are even harder to find

They say that King Louis XVI was rather melancholic as he was led to the guillotine

but it is known that after the execution, he was quite beside himself.

They say the asteroid killed all the dinosaurs.

You could say it killed many birds with one stone.

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They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

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They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

They say that when you die you become closer to God

Because you no longer exist

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.

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They say that sex makes your whole day.

Well, anal makes your hole weak.

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They say...

.. if you put your ear up against a strangers inner thigh, you can actually hear them saying "dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

They say I’m a grower not a shower

Because I get really self conscious about showing people my collection of houseplants

They say today is Pi Day

but for me it will always be cake day!

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

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They say you can't get blood from a stone, but my wife can.

She's shit at anagrams.

They say Jesus wasn't angry about getting crucified

But I think he was pretty crossed

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They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

The wolf stopped crying out once I destroyed my plantation. I guess it’s like they say,

no farm, no howl.

They say, you are what you eat.

but idk man, i dont remember eating depression.

You know what they say in prison

No noose is good noose

They say familiarity breeds contempt

but I hardly know you.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

which is why I love my father so much.

They say live fast, die young

But ESPN keeps rejecting my pilot episode of Baby Formula 1 Racing

They say every time God closes a door, he opens a window.

That’s all well and good. But I’m on the tenth floor.

I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say

Practise makes it better

They say, "Money Talks."

All mine says, is "Goodbye."

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They say masturbation makes you blind....

I don't see any problem with it.

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

You know how they say Las Vegas is Sin City. Do you know what Den City is?

Mass / volume

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

they say women don't lie...

But that's got to be the dumbest thing I've Amber Heard

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

They say that British kids are kind

But German kids are kinder.

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What did they say to the first guy to pull off an April fools day prank?

Jesus! I thought you were dead!

They say a bad PowerPoint presentation reduces your lifespan by 30 minutes ...

Going by that metric, I've been dead since 1909.

So my son watches this kid’s pirate show and they say “Hey ho, let’s go!” all the time.

So I keep emphatically saying it with him in hopes he’ll start to say it to my ex-wife.

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They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”.

Apparently I ruined that funeral.

They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

They say I have my mother’s eyes...

But they can’t prove it.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Which is why I’m so self conscious around bee keepers

They say that "The grass is always greener on the other side".

Especially true of roll on turf.

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You know what they say about driving a hearse..

It's quite the undertaking.

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier

with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

They say the sea is salty from the tears of sailors.

After being on a ship for months with only men, I can assure you it’s not from their tears.

They say a Queue is just a Q, followed by four silent letters

but really they are just waiting their turns.

They say all women turn into good drivers eventually.

So watch out for turning women.

They say talk is cheap.

But my phone bill is through the roof.

They say correlation does not imply causation

But have you noticed how often sentences with the word "correlation" also have the word "causation"? I think there’s a link here

They say diarrhea is hereditary.

Because it runs in your jeans.

They say you are what you eat

But I never ate a human

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

Happy Chinese New Year! Or as they say in China:

Happy New Year!

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