What did Jay Z call his wife before they got married?

Fiance

What did one robot say to the other after they got arrested by the police?

"At least we got charged."

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

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Two guys are sitting at a bar discussing what they got their wives for Christmas

“I got Sheila a nice pearl necklace from that new jewelry store down the street. I think she’ll like it. What did you get Angie?”

“Well I got her two things this year. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”

“Why’d you get her two things? Don’t you guys usually just do one?”

...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

"Get in the car Robin"

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What did the Japanese person yell after they got liquified?

Miso soup!

What did the two knights say when they got to the hotel?

We’d like a room for two nights please.

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3 friends go out drinking and the next day are are talking about how drunk they got.

Friend 1: I was so drunk that I blew chunks when I got home.

Friend 2: That's nothing, I pissed in my closet thinking it was the toilet.

Friend 3: I couldn't stand and ended up shitting myself in bed.

Friend 1: I don't think you understand, Chunks is my dog!

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What did one poop say to the other when they got to the toilet?

This place is a dump!

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

I was in the Gym today using this new machine they got, I could only manage an hour on it and after I was throwing up...

It's called the vending machine.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

My friend told me they got a high five from Magic Johnson.

"It's pronounced HIV," I said.

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

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A Native American lad asked his dad how they got their names.

Well son, the morning after a child is born the father leaves the Teepee and the child is names after the first thing he sees. That is how your sisters Wild Flower and Running Deer got their names. And how your brothers Red Cloud and Soaring Eagle got their names. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking...

What happened to Batman and Robin when they got run over by a steamroller?

They became Flatman and Ribbon.

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me.

I was just eating chips

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates....

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."

The first guy ...

When I called those two party girls hipsters the other day, they got pretty mad at me.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

I just told someone Happy Honda Days and they got all offended...

Apparently they are a Toyotathon family.

What did Romans do for food when they got caught between cannibalism and veganism?

Caesar Salad.

So my mother in-law found a thong in the back of my car. Without thinking I replied "I don't know how they got there!?"

She replied; "if you don't then I sure hope my daughter does"

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

What did the Pebbles say when they got clumped together?

I feel *boulder*!



Geology Jokes.

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If you see a bunch of raccoons hanging out in broad daylight they got rabies.

Blonde: So they don't have it at night?

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I was vacationing with some friends, and they got mad at me because I was masturbating in the shower

They said I ruined the entire Auschwitz tour

Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"

And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."

Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.

T...

There were three sisters and all were wondering how they got their names

So the first one goes, “mommy, why is my name rose?” Mom says, “because a rose fell on your head when you were born” second sister says, “mommy, why is my name tiara?” Mom says, “because a tiara fell on your head when u were born”. The last sister goes, “BLAHWARADURGABAAAA!!” And the mom says, “shut...

I always wondered what my parents did when they got bored before the internet.

I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar

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Oh my gosh! I just CAN'T believe that they got back together! After all the crap they've been through!...

My butt cheeks.

What did Alice Young say to Michael Young when they got married?

You keep me Young

What do you say to an Egyptian when they got scammed?

*"Hey bro, you got egypt!"*

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for christmas...

the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"

What did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged?

call the cups!

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

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Three men are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas...

the first man says, "i got my wife a purse and a macbook." "Why the macbook?" the other man asks. "Well thats easy, so if she doesnt like the purse she can return it online and get a new one". The other guy says, "oh i did the same thing I got my wife a ring and a bmw so if she didnt like the ring s...

I can't believe they got some broad

church cast member to play The Doctor!

What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?

"Men, get in the boat!"

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There once was a court case against a company that sold penis enlargement supplements. They got off easily enough, true, but bribery was suspected...

it ended with a hung jury.

I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about "capitalistic America"...

In capitalistic America, bank robs you!

Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught.

They each got six months.

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What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight?

Had makeup sex

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

I heard someone got an STD from a footjob

Guess they got off on the wrong foot

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq…

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

We're always asking how many people it takes to screw in a lightbulb

but never how they got so small

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

Two robots fall in love

Two robots fall in love they went on dates and they got a bit frisky so the male put on his nuts and bolt and they went at it he put it in and the girl robot said "no input detected"

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they got no balls to scratch.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they got in a fight and 2021

So close

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this truck covered in Trump and confederate flags comes up behind me, but rather than stop, they pulled out...

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

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