I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

Others are definitely going to call ne a nomster

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad for "take your child to work" day.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl starts sobbing and crying.

All staff gather around to cheer her and her father asked "love, what's wrong?"

The girl turns to her father sobbin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in the office

A guy conducting a survey calls up a random person on the phone and asks, "Sir, what are your thoughts on sex in the workplace?"

"Well, first of all, I'm married. But regardless, the options in my workplace aren't all that great anyway."

"And where exactly do you work?"

"From ho...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took viagra when I got to the office today.

I’m working hard now.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say to your boss of he/she caught you watching porn in the office?

“I’m very hard at work.”

A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.

"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.

"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."

"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it...

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man.

"When do we start?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a Viagra on the way to the office this morning...

I've never worked so hard in my life.

Dr calls man & demands he come into the office immediately.

Dr says you remember those tests we ran a couple of days ago? The man say yes. Dr says well I have some bad news and I have some really bad news. The man say well let me have the bad news first. The Dr says you only have 3 days to live & you need to get your affairs in order. The man says, wow...

Where does Oscar from The Office get his water?

From the well, actually.

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

So this guy is getting arrested and the officer tells him he doesn’t have to speak without his lawyer present.

When in jail, he consults his lawyer and asks...

Where the heck is my present?

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office

I can't tell you how much that means to me

Everyone in the office I work at is sick..

I guess there’s a staff infection

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss calls one of his male employees into the office

Boss: I want you to go into the bathroom and masturbate.
Employee: ...excuse me sir?
Boss: Do as I say. Now go.
5 minutes later, guy comes back a bit sweaty and relaxed.
Employee: Ok done sir.
Boss: very well. Now go and do it again.
Employee: what? Really?
Boss: Just go ...

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...

"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches aro...

Today I swapped all the m and n keys in the office

Everyone will think I’m a nomster

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

We used to cough to hide Our farts in the office

Now we fart to hide Our coughs

My boss noticed I have been working long hours and asked if I was sleeping in the office.

Of course! It's the quietest room in my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

What do you call it when two people bring identical lunches to the office?

A cuisine-kydink.

Sorry.

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were finally able to go back to the office this week. But when we got there, we found that someone had switched around the elevator buttons!

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Office..

My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new...

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After finishing a long day in the office, John rushes towards the elevator. His colleague Matt rushes behind him...

"Hang on, you seem to be in a rush to get home today."
"Yes" replies John, "can't wait to get home and yank my wife's panties off"
"Ooh.... feeling frisky today" Matt says with a wink.
"F*ck that!" Groans John, "I accidentally wore her undies while rushing this morning. Suffered the tight ...

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,

"What's your name son"?

He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?

The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

"General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!"

The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.

He says "Would you kindly help me put th...

Our photocopier in the office is called Bob Marley

'cause it's always jamming.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?"
He responded " I don't work here"

I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning.

I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.

What do you call Jim from The Office rolling down a hill?

A tuna roll

Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time this female coworker said something sexist in the office.

I wouldn't feel surprised for receiving the credit and compensation for her ideas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

A huge bouquet of red roses arrives at the office on Friday.

The brunette says excitedly to her blonde friend:

"They're from my boyfriend: you know what this means? I'll be spending this entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on His car.... As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning begun:

Who are You? What is Your name? Do you speak english? You look illegal to Me are You legal? Where did You come from?........

Ok first of all My name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby.

I just haven't decided which one yet.

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

We had a party in the office yesterday.

As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table.

I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”


She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!

Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears?

Because the editor removed his colon.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office?

A Jim-Pam-zee.

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.

I felt it wasn't going anywhere.

I asked a young lady at the office to bring me a newspaper

Then I got a lecture about this generation's advanced technology and how old and obsolete I am... At last she gave me her smartphone.


Long story short -

Fly's dead.

Phone's broken.

Girl's crying.

Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...

My boss phoned me today. She said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

My boss phoned me today. She said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor?" she asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Can you pick up the pace a l...

Who's the coolest doctor in the office?

The hip consultant.

Did you hear about the officer who shot his pistol into the Chinese restaurant?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong

but I'm totally cool with it

Two coworkers in the office:

"How did it end? the fight with your wife"

"She came crawling to me."

"And what did she say?"

"You're gonna have to hit me with the shovel harder than that!"

My girlfriend asked me to choose between her and the office.

Which episode do you think I should watch today?



Correction: Ex-girlfriend\*

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

Phoned up the office and told them I was sick. They asked what was wrong with me and I said...

... I'm sleeping with my sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and preten...

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop on his way to work. The officer approaches his window and says "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know where I am"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was taking a crap in the office restroom when the power went out

In pitch black darkness, I proceeded to wipe, wash my hands, and returned to my station, just in time for power to come back.

Upon arriving, I asked my workmate in the next cubicle "Do you know how a blind man in the crapper knows when he's done wiping?"

"No"

"Me neither"
...

I got fired from my job as a teacher for sending a student to the office for being tardy

Apparently, it's not acceptable behavior for a special ed teacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the girls in the office have been laughing at my man bag.

You'd think they'd never seen a shaved scrotum before.

Most of us go to the office to work.

The others are the part of the HR.

A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

I tried dressing up as the plane that crash into the twin towers for the office costume party

It didn't land too well

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies?

The ruler.

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

You should’ve seen their faces when I showed up as Donald Duck at the office Christmas party.

Yeah I had no pants, no self control and I came with three kids that weren’t mine.

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician.

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.
The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.
While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other...

I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

A man is standing at the office water cooler...

...Talking animatedly telling his coworker he found that his girlfriend was poking holes in his condoms. He elbows the other guy and says "luckily I found out years ago I'm sterile, really dodged a bullet there."

The other guy scoffs "is it really dodging bullets if you're shooting blanks?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why'd the prostitute get turned down for the office position she applied for?

Cuz she sucked at her last job.

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."


"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."


"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eye...

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

I heard a rumour that a woman down the office smelled of fish

So when she popped up beside me I was absolutely reeling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

What did the hen wear to the office?

A hentai

How can you tell if the Hulk is doing well at the office?

You can see he just had a Banner year

A flea walks into the office one morning... (slightly NSFW)

So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, miserable. A concerned coworker, who is also a flea, walks up to his desk and says, "Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell."

To which the flea replies, "Man, I had the worst nigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male manager is assigned a state of the art, hot female looking robot secretary for the office...

...As he's being trained on the many features it has, he's told the robot will basically do anything he wants. He asks, anything? The installers reply, anything ;) and once they were done, they went onto other offices in the building to install more robots.

The manager instantly locks the doo...

Strange new trend at the office

People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

(Just happened to me) I was walking in the office corridor, browsing reddit on my phone, when i bumped into a very beautiful girl. She look up and said "I am sorry"

I replied "I am not".
and kept moving.

(Sorry if the wrong sub but I think it was funny)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some girls at the office start talking about their tattoos...

...John the manager walks by and one of them asks: "Hey John, do you have any tattoos?" John lets out a sigh "I wouldn't be allowed to show it at the office" and walks away.

Fast forward to Friday night and John takes everyone out to the bar for a round of drinks. Everyone is drinking hav...

The officer said “You’re staggering.”

I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.”
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.

I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.

I was hard at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HR pulled me into the office today for a disciplinary.

"We need to talk to you about your inappropriate sexual remarks made to Sarah."

"Why, what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"

"Harass..."

"Yes, it is cute and I would eat my dinner off it. But what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"

I got pulled and the officer saw my vape in the cup holder.

He said, ya know the news says those things will kill you.

I laughed and said yeah they say the same thing about ya'll.

“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”

“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.

“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”

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