UPJOKE

The Doctor Told Me Jokes

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

The doctor told me I have to change my eating habits...

But I haven't eaten nuns' headwear in a long time!

When the doctor told me that he had fitted me with a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid

It made my blood boil.

The doctor told me I had 2 days to live...

So I killed him and the judge gave me 80 years

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

The doctor told me I'm going deaf...

The news was hard for me to hear

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After running some tests this morning, the doctor told me I had incredibly healthy sperm.

Probably because I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went for a yearly medical exam the other day and the doctor told me that I need to stop masturbating.

I said, well, OK, but why? The doctor said "Because we need to start your medical exam."

The Doctor told me, “You have Backstreet Boys Syndrome.”

Me to the Doctor, “Tell me why.”

The doctor told me my DNA was reversed.

I said "And?"

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"

He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

The doctor told me I have a rare disease.

So rare, he even let me pick its name.

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me to stop drinking, smoking and having sex

I asked him if it would make me live longer and he said: no, but the time will feel longer.

The doctor told me I only had one hour left

At the end of my last hour, they handed me the hospital bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman,

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

The doctor told me he would let me walk again.

I didn’t believe him, but now I stand corrected.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

I still remeber the day the doctor told me I was mute...

I had no words

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.

I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

The doctor told me to stay away from trans fats

Now I'm only going after the skinny ones ❤️

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me I should stop masturbating today.

So I look him straight in the eye and asked him "why?".





And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me that my dad died from choking on Viagra.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.

So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down.

He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.

The doctor told me I had Parkinson's....

I decided to just shake it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me he needs blood, urine, stool, and semen samples.

I handed him my underwear.

The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am

The doctor told me I would need surgery on my hand.

I asked him if I'd be able to play the banjo after the surgery, and he said "Absolutely."

Well this sure was a lot quicker than taking Banjo lessons!

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

The doctor told me to watch what I eat if I wanted to lose weight.

I stare at my extra large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke for at least an hour before I scarf it down and I haven't lost a pound.

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.