UPJOKE

The Doctor Said Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome

At first I was afraid...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

We don’t accept your insurance.

The doctor said to the patient:

\-You have two problems. First, you have AIDS.

\-What? AIDS? I'm going to die! That's horrible!

\-Second, you have Alzheimer's.

\-Well, at least I don't have AIDS.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

The doctor said I'm going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks

I had to sell my car to pay the bill

the Doctor said: I have bad news, and worse news.

Patient: what is it, doc?
Doctor: The bad news is that you only have 24 hours left to live.
Patient: 24 hours?! But what could possibly be worse that that?!
Doctor: I have been trying to call you and tell you about this since yesterday.

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,

You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After exa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

The doctor said I had one year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 35 years.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...

“You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much”

The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, “Do it. I’m strong enough”

The doctor then did it, and the man didn’t feel a thing, whi...

The doctor said, "To address the inflammation, try rubbing your joints."

I'd rather just use a lighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

The doctor said he needs to remove my colon

Me Why

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost ÂŁ10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

The doctor said I'm a hypochondriac

But I'd like a 15th opinion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

The doctor said I had the body of a man half my age...

...but the police pathologist said he was more like 2/3 once they'd defrosted him

The doctor said my illness was terminal

I decided to get a second opinion. The next doctor also said my illness was terminal. Feeling disheartened, i decided to get a third opinion from a homeopathic doctor.

This doctor recommended I take daily mudbaths. Finally relieved, I asked "Thats great! That will cure me??" to which the doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor said to me, "You need to stop masturbating".

I said "Why" and she said "Well, to be honest, you're not meant to enjoy a rectal exam this much".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife went into a coma recently and the doctor said it doesn't look like we have many options.

After a month in a coma, my wife's doctor comes to me and says that there's a way to awake her from this coma but it's rather unconventional.

I asked the Dr what needed to happen and he tells me that the only way to wake her is by oral sex.

After about 5 minutes I come out of room conf...

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

Patient: "Give me the good news first”

Doctor: “Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live."

Patient: "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

When the doctor said I had cancer I hated it.

But as time went on, it grew on me.

The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

The doctor said my teenager had stopped growing

I said, is this some kind of stunt?

The doctor said that I can't play golf.

He must have seen me playing the other day.

I swallowed some food coloring. The Doctor said I would be ok,

But I dyed inside a little.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

The doctor said I’d suffer with erectile dysfunction...

But it hasn’t given me a hard time

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the patient.

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

I went to get a vasectomy and the doctor said I won’t have children anymore

When I went back home they were still there

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Le...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you h...

The doctor said I need to start drinking more whiskey....

Also I am calling myself "the doctor" now.

The doctor said I had a bad case of kyphosis.

"Are you sure?" I said.

He replied, "Honestly, it's just a hunch."

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears.

Turns out i just need hearing aids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor said I should stop with all this phone sex.

He said I might get hearing aids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe went to the doctor and said "Doc, my balls really hurt"..

..so the doctor started examining his balls. After a while the doctor said, "Joe, I'm afraid you just have to stop mastrubating"

"Oh", Joe said worriedly. "Why"?

"Well, I'm trying to examin your balls"

'There's good news and bad news', the doctor said to the patient.

Doctor: 'The bad news is that both your legs have to be amputated.'

The patient starts crying and asks about the good news.

Doctor: 'There's someone in the hallway who wants to buy your shoes.'

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said?

"Stay out of those places!"

I was getting a prostate examination when the doctor said "just so you know, this is a digital rectal exam".

"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.

The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".

I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".

The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."

I called the doctor and said, “Hurry! My wife’s going into labour! What must I do?”

The doctor said, “is this her first child?”

I said, “no, this is her husband!”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.