UPJOKE

Someone Who Jokes

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

Someone who moves from Michigan to Ohio

Has raised the average intelligence of both states

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

What do you call someone who dyes their hair orange?

Transginger

what do you call someone who films spices?

A cinnamon-tographer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who can masteurbate to anything?

A "jack-off-all-trades"!

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

What do you call someone who tricks people out of their nuts?

A pecan artist.

What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

An InCel is someone who is involuntarily celibate. What do you call someone who is voluntarily celibate?

Married.

What do you call someone who only ever gets mad about Indian bread?

naan-confrontational

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who steals viagra?

A hardened criminal.

What would be the best compliment to someone who loves running?

"You look dashing." lol >w<

If someone who hates Christmas is called a Grinch...

what do you call someone who hates Valentine's Day?

Single.

What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.

What do you call someone who likes to crack their knuckles a lot?

A crack addict

What do you call someone who microwaves hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never befriend someone who is sexually attracted to almonds and pecans.

Eventually you’ll realize they’re fucking nuts.

How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense

What do you call someone who sleeps around and talks alot?

Horchata

How do you say hello to someone who knows karate?

Hiya!

What do you call someone who thinks they're right just because they make decisions?

An Ergomaniac.

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who worships testicles?

I don't know but it sounds sacriligious to me.

What do you call someone who looks after hens?

A chicken tender.

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

What do you call someone who’s is attracted to bikes?

A pedalphile

What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket?

Independent

Does anyone know where I can go to meet someone who will hang out and do things with me?

Asking for a friend.

What do you call someone who gropes a dinosaur?

A rex offender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who hoards old English coins?

A guinea pig

What do you call someone who has no body and no nose?

Nobody Knows

What is someone who helps women achieve higher education called?

Goinacollegist

How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck?

Neck-romancer.

Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer...

What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?

A bananny.

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of shit?

A skeptic tank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who’s constipated

They’re full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

What do you call someone who plays in multiple bands?

PolyJAMorous!

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

What do you tell someone who has just stuck a gun in your mouth?

It's difficult to say

What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

What do you call someone who can’t make a good joke?

Somebody who can’t make a good joke

What do you call someone who jumped off a pyramid?

In denial

What do you call someone who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

Inseine

What do you call someone who is always naysaying?

A horse.

What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.

What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?

They're bisectual

What do you call someone who overpays for caulk?

A caulk sucker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who thinks that sex often lasts too long?

An inmate.

Why shouldn’t you bother someone who collects bitcoins?

Because they’re mining their own business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who runs like Naruto ninja?

A virgin.

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender!

Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol

What do you call someone who invites themselves over, unannounced, and wants to work out with you?

A Jehovah Fitness.

Today I met someone who never finishes his proverbs.

It’s very irritating to talk to him, but you know what they say,

What do you call someone who doesn't wear a mask?

You don't call them. You stay 6 damn feet away from them.

what’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

BrieDSM

A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who doesn’t jerk off?

A liar

What do you call someone who is too afraid of calling themselves left or right wing?

A chicken wing.

What do you call someone who sets up teepees for a living?

A cone tent creator

What do you call someone who rips up books?

A tear-orist.

What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

What do you call someone who exclusively paints pictures of WWF's Mankind?

A Foley artist.

How can you mute someone who’s deaf?

Turn off the lights

What's a good hairstyle for someone who doesn't like smoked salmon?

Dreadlox.

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

I finally found someone who cares as much as I do about providing sources for every claim.

It was love at first cite.

What do you call someone who spoils tv shows?

A serial killer

What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

What do you call someone who can sing but not talk?

A mutesician.

What do you tell someone who just lost their vehicle?

“Walk it off”

What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

What do you call someone who mastrubates on plane?

A High Jacker

What Do You Call Someone Who Argues About Sailboats?

A Mast-Debater!

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

What do you call someone who gets off by someone yelling in their ear and strangling them?

Otoerotic asphyxiation.

what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

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