UPJOKE

No Idea Jokes

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

3. People who have absolutely no idea.

There are two kinds of people in the world;

1. People who know how to make a list properly.

My friend told me I have no idea what irony is

Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

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I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

I Have No Idea How I Got Lice.

They just appeared out of thin hair.

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

I have no idea how those quiet kids in school are doing now

I haven’t heard from them at all

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- Doctor, I have no idea how to ejaculate

-How come?

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

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I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why.

Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else

Shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn't it?

I had no idea he was a comedian.

I have no idea what my parents did to have fun, back before the internet.

I asked my 17 siblings and they didn't know, either.

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk

Until I showed up sober one day

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Man, you have no idea how much I hate trigonometry.

I mean, I could go on a tangent about my hatred for it.

I have no idea how many exes I have

But I can always change my Netflix password

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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I had no idea nazis were so passionate about animals.

Apparently after the war they all became veteranaryans.

John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on...

The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"

She responded "ICU"

He replied "No you don't."

I have no idea what the difference between genuinly and generally is

I'm generally confused

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

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Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

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A man had no idea what to be for his costume party.

Nothing was working out for him, and it finally came to him.

Later that night he walked out wearing only jeans. His wife asked him what he was supposed to be. He replied "A premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

~Again an old one, but I like it. Sorry if it's a repost~

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I have no idea who invented ballet dancing

but I'm willing to bet good money it was a guy trying to sneak back into bed after coming home pissed from a bar

I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in.

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

I have no idea where all these trebuchet jokes came from

then it hit me from 300 meters away.

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus

I never catch anything.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it’s like to be Jewish

I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.

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I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country

A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

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I was watching porn and my mom walked in......

I had no idea she was even in that movie!

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Paddy says to his wife.....

"My bum hole is really burning, I have no idea what it is"

"Ring sting" His wife says.

Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"

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I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”

How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

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Daughter asks her Mother for some advice...

"My boyfriend has asked me to give him a hand job" she says "But I have no idea how to do it?"

"It's pretty easy" her Mother replied "Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of sauce"

Later that evening, her boyfriend begged her to give him a hand job. "No problem" she said, so he unzippe...

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Behind every angry woman.

is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

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It was my birthday…

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together to make a king.

If the answer to “what do you call a blind reindeer?” is ‘no idea’, what do you call a blind reindeer that can’t walk?

Still no idea.

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

It's a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I bought a radio that said "built in antenna." I have no idea where that even is!

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I’ve just arrived at my first premature ejaculation support class!

Had no idea what to wear, so I’ve come in my shorts.

Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and I’ve no idea what I’ll do when I finally see it.

I think I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

I'm A Security Guard And My Boss Told Me It Was My Responsibility To Watch The Office Every Night

Already up to season 4 and have no idea what it has to do with being a security guard.

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell...

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and say...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

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I knew she was going to be mad when she saw my upload to redtube, but I had no idea it would be this bad. It's true what they say...

Hell hath no fury like a women porned.

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.

The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

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My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

No idea why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being.

I told him to grow a pear.

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

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