There's this newcomer to a small Southern town.

His first Sunday there, he walks into town, excited to praise the Lord in his new church with his new neighbors.

But glowering faces step out from the darkness behind the open doors before he even makes it up the stairs. The congregation tells him he has to go to "his" church, which is on the...

The new director of the Natural History museum wanted to attract more people, so they started giving dinosaur vertebrae away to newcomers.

Everyone was taken aback.

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

A Thirsty Man

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.


As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."


The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to...

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

Glue-sniffing drug addicts

A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.

But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.

"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
...

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.....

...One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing ei...

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A blonde guy walks into a bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.

Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back...

Three bulls

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know ...

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

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A guy shipwrecks on a deserted island...

And after several weeks he becomes lonely and wishes for a companion.
Lo and behold the very next day, a ship with 6 beautiful women crashes. They start to talking and decide that they will share the man. One will sleep with him each night of the week. The man gets a day off, and the cycle repeat...

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Tell me what you think of this joke.

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when an extremely unique individual walks in.

He was surrounded by dozens of beautiful women, his body was covered in expensive jewelry, and his head was an orange.

Overcome by curiosity, the patron of the bar asks the newcomer, “Dude. What *h...

A friend of mine told me this joke many years ago

An Indian man gets a job at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. On his first day, after the manager teaches him how to use the register, he tells the newcomer that he is going to be in the back to restock, and if the Indian guy needed any help, he should go to the back and ask him.

A cust...

Drunk guy sat at a bar

Drunk guy sat at a bar, is on his 15+ beer of the evening when he notices 3 newcomers enter the pub and sit at the bar next to him.

"Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" he asks the nearest one.

The newcomer turns to face him and for the first time he see it's a lady with blonde hair.<...

There's these two Irish guys...

And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.

The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"

The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"

The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOO...

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I told my 13 year old son about masturbation today...

He’s a newcomer!

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

Traditions

A young man was listening to a story from his grandfather.

"Back in the homeland whenever a newcomer was found to be a criminal we had a tradition."

"What was it grandpa?"

"We would send them back the way they came bound to a horse, with a list of their crimes hanging from its ...

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pede...

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An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....

Smiling, happy, the engineer says, "Bartender, shots for everyone!"

The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"

The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"

The bartender deploys the drinks to e...

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A man dies before being resuscitated

And ends up going to hell for a few minutes before coming back to life. His friend asks him what death was like, and he had only positive things to say about hell: "Oh man, it was great. There were beautiful women, all you could drink, basically a free for all party down there. The only thing is, yo...

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

Religious traditions

Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoi...

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At the hunting lodge

During a social meeting at a traditional hunting lodge, one of the newcomers was talking to one of the oldest there. The guy was so old he couldn't even walk or talk properly. And he was telling stories about his youth and about a hunting trip to Africa, long ago. "So my child, I was a bit tired and...

Three bulls were grumbling about the expected arrival of a fourth one.

The first bull raged that he has been on the ranch for twenty years and had twenty cows and he was not about give up a single one to the newcomer. The second bull, with ten cows, insisted that he wasn't going to give up any of his, and the third bull, with five cows, wasn't budging either.
The n...

Black Bart

A man rides into an old west town and he notices as he's riding up that there's no one around. He heads over to the sheriff's office and knocks on the door, when he does he hears a shout from around the building. As he rounds the building to see what's up he sees a man in the window, and is surprise...

What does she have that I don't?

An elderly woman is living out her golden years in a retirement home. One day she spots a newcomer at BINGO. He's a dashing gentleman of about her age and though she's rather a prude she can't help but be flattered when he flirts a little with her. And though she's not sure that it's the godly thing...

Three men died and went to heaven...

... and met St. Peter at the pearly gates, who was explaining a new reward system to the newcomers. Each person who made it to heaven would receive a vehicle, the quality of which would be determined by how faithful they were to their spouses on Earth. The first man had his fair share of adulterous ...

Bob is throwing a party

He decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is. Hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of the party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is. "275" came the reply. "W...

Everybody was running out of the Old West town...

The Eastern dude watched in amazement as he walked to his saloon to open up for the day. He stopped a passerby to ask what was going on.

"Ain'tcha heard? Big Bad Bob's a-comin' He'll turn this town upside down and I don't wanna be here when that happens!"

The dude can't quit...

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