UPJOKE

New Girlfriend Jokes

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell, holding a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers."


"Don't be silly," says Paddy... "You must have a vase Somewhere!"

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…

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I have a new girlfriend

I should be happy because i have a new girlfriend. The Problem is that she has the same name as my sister.
Everytime we have sex now, i have to think of my girlfriend.

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...

Joke's on them, so are they

My new girlfriend is so needy...

She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

A teenage boy shows up to take his new girlfriend on a date

He arrives to her house and is greeted by her at the door. Her father is sitting in the chair in the den, and when he comes in to introduce himself, the father calmly gets up, reaches into his pocket, and tosses him something underhanded, and says ‘catch’.

The boy looks at it and realizes it’...

Why doesn't the mathematician get a new girlfriend?

He keeps thinking about his X and Y's

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My new girlfriend is a cat person...

.. her breath stinks of fish, she shits in a tray, and she disappears for days at a time

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed

I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less then a minute

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

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New Girlfriend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's it going with the new girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "Well we finally had sex. And she walked funny for a week," the guy replies. "That's how hard she was laughing."

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

I have a new girlfriend....

...she is very thin, tall and is a bright red head....

. . We met on Match dot com

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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because' she replied 'I really miss mine'

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

My new girlfriend works as a bin lady...

Trouble is, I can't remember if I'm supposed to take her out Wednesday or Thursday!!!

My new girlfriend shares her first name with that of my sister.

When we're doing the deed and I'm on the final cusp of climaxing, I instinctively start moaning and shouting my partner's name.

In my current relationship this is actually very offputting, because while screaming my partner's name I'm reminded of my girlfriend.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

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My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.

But I better get this shit off my chest.

My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia.

I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

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Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

Took my new girlfriend out......

...... to a restaurant last night,at the end of the evening I asked the waiter for the bill.
My girlfriend said, "Go Dutch."
I said, "Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?"

My New Girlfriend

Facebook asks what I'm thinking.

Twitter asks what I'm doing.

Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

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My new girlfriend says a small penis doesn't bother her...

... but I wish she wouldn't have one at all.

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My new girlfriend asked me if my sex playlist was just Wonderwall on repeat

I said maybe

My mother was showing my new girlfriend some of my baby photos.

"Oh my goodness, you haven't changed at all!" said my girlfriend.

"Alright mum," I replied, "that's enough of the naked ones."

My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.

So what if she's a miner?

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..

I got off on the wrong foot.

My new Girlfriend

Recently I introduced my girlfriend to my family, my wife was very confused.

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“Turns out, my new girlfriend is quite the gambler”

“What makes you say that?”

“Yesterday when we were having sex, she suddenly says: “wanna make this more interesting?””

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products.

I said “No whey!”

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My plastic surgeon thinks his new girlfriend's pussy is too tight.

But he really likes her so he's going to cut her some slack.

I recently got a new girlfriend. Shes from a different nation.

My imagination.

"Does your new girlfriend know about your erectile dysfunction?"

"It hasn't come up."

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

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My new girlfriend just found out I suffer from premature ejaculation

She took it on the chin though.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut

I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

My new girlfriend left me because of my addiction to horse racing ...

I knew it wouldn't last furlong

My New girlfriend is a masseuse

And she is putting way too much pressure on me

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Ted's new girlfriend tell him to put a finger in her.

"Put a finger in me," said Tammy. Ted obliges her and puts a finger in her vagina.

"Now put another one in," she says and ted puts a second finger in.

"Now three."

"Now four," Ted continues to oblige and has four fingers in.

"Just put the whole hand in," Ted now inserts h...

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and th...

Got a new girlfriend, turns out she’s anorexic,

lately I’ve been seeing less and less of her.

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

My friends think my new girlfriend is a real zero

But she’s like nothing I’ve ever had before.

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My new girlfriend asked how I feel about period sex.

I told her I just go with the flow

I was having a row with my new girlfriend.

"You are same kind of a narcissist like all those other guys I dated, aren't you?" she yelled at me.

It's not true.

I am a much better narcissist!

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I dropped my new girlfriend off after our first date.

She said she hoped I didn't expect sex or a blow job off her so soon after meeting .
She said she liked to make a guy wait at least six months before doing stuff like that .
I said "I totally understood and respected her decision on that kind of thing, and would give her a ring in 6 months tim...

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

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My new girlfriend and I were having our first tryst...

In the middle, I stopped completely. She looks at me and asked what the hell I'm doing?

I looked at her and said it's a trick I recently learned. "It's called 'buffering' and all the chicks in the porn video I was watching seemed to LOVE it"

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