UPJOKE
nevermind

Never Mind Jokes

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

“911, what’s your emergency “

“I’d like to report a murder.”

“Where are you located sir?”

“At the corner of Main and 4th… oh wait, never mind!”

“Sir! What do you mean? How can you say never mind when you’re trying to report a murder!!! I need to know where to dispatch the police to”

“I’m sorry, but yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in fr...

A blind man walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar and says , Hey do you all want to hear a blond joke?

the bartender quickly leans over and says , just so you know , im blond , the 2 other bartenders are blond and the 2 big bouncers are blond

the blind man hesitates and says "Never mind, i dont want to hav...

Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up...

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Never mind, I don't want to spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to hear a joke?

Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”

Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"

"Before what gets started?"

"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"

It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.

The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another...

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

Knock knock...

"Who's there?"

"Broken pencil"

"Broken pencil, who?"

"Never mind, it's pointless"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premature ejaculator:

Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

I have a problem with commitment

Never mind that joke is lame anyway

Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless

Slow learner

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gon...

My wife just left me because I'm too insecure...

Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.

How many Mexicans does it take to build a...

Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.

I have a few questions about the Buck Rogers TV series from 1979.

Never mind. I'll check Twikipedia.

A guy is late for an important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have sex daily!

Never mind… my doctor just corrected me and informed me I have dyslexia

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

Two fish in a tank...

"Why are we in a tank?"
"Never mind that, how can we afford enough fuel to drive it back to Moscow?!"

Have you heard the joke about the roof?

You haven’t? Never mind, it’s no great loss as you wouldn’t understand it.

It’s over your head.

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

A man calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it. The guy says, “bring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”

“No, I need it winter-ize…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.

"Nev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Priest said I should stop masturbating

Priest said I should stop masturbating. I asked where it said that in the Bible. He said never mind where it says that, just zip up and get out of the church - I'm trying to hold service.

A man walks into a bar...

"OUCH, my head!" the man says.

"Your head? What are you talking about?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, never mind. Just give me a drink," the man replies.

"A drink?" the bartender puzzles. "I'm here to get my law degree, now take a seat like everyone else."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a really funny joke about participation awards

Actually, never mind, you had to be there to get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to be a gracious bitch

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father'...

I was gonna make a joke about my ADHD.

Never mind, I’ll finish it later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

A red light story

A guy is driving along with his friend, and he goes right through a red light. His friend says, "What are you doing?", and he replies, "Never mind, will you? My brother drives like this."

He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light and goes right through it. "What are you doing?"...

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

A guy asks another guy about military ranks

Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?

Guy 2: It’s private

Guy: Ok never mind

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...

Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"

A CEO needed Wi-Fi...

The CEO walks in on the 134th floor and quickly asked: “Does anyone have the Wi-Fi password?”

One of the employees say “Yes.”

Then the CEO then says, “Never mind, I’ve just connected to a plane’s wi-fi.”

"Babe, what were you telling me this morning?" Husband to wife

The wife replied "Never mind, I changed my mind"

Husband: "Is the new one better?"

(Must be a nerd to get this one) Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the other... oh... never mind.



Context: a mobius strip is an object with the interesting property of only having one side.

I forgot - what's the name of that two-faced villain, something "dent"?

Never mind, I was able to remember. It is President.

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