Middle Of The Night Jokes - 92 Hilarious Middle Of The Night Jokes

A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom

The thief points a gun at the couple.

"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."

The woman says "Stephanie."

"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."

He...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...

...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

So two archenemies get in a car crash in the middle of the night...

They get out of their cars, uninjured, and the first guy goes, "Hey, we both are fine! Maybe this is a sign from the heavens that we are meant to be friends!" So the second guy responds, "Maybe that is so."

Then, the first guy suggests they make a toast to their newfound friendship, "I thin...

two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy comes home drunk in the middle of the night

He comes through his bedroom door with a sheep under his arm. The wife wakes up and says drunk again I see. The man says this is the pig I fuck when your not around. The wife says you dumb ass thats not a pig its a sheep to which the man replies. Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

Why did the potter relocate in the middle of the night?

Because he didn't want to have a public bowl movement!

Maurice and Sadie were woken up in the middle of the night when the phone rang

Sadie answered and said "How the hell should I know? It's 100 miles away!"

Maurice asked who it was and Sadie replied, "Some mad woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."

Someone rings at the bell in the middle of the night

He goes downstairs, opens the door and finds a man with a menacing look who says:

- I traveled all the way from Tunisia and I’m here to kill you!
- TO WHAT?!
- Tunisia

(I believe the original is in Portuguese or Spanish and the man comes from Paraguai but I think you all dese...

What's worse to step on in the middle of the night than a lego

A landmine

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe my story is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too

Not OC, but it was a fav...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I caught my pet hen masturbating in front of the open fridge.

I guess the chicken came before the eggs.

In the middle of the night...

...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. “What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband. “Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “the whole nation stands erect when this song is heard.”

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

I thought I was losing my eyesight while scrolling Reddit in the middle of the night.

Apparently there are a lot of blurry images if you're sorted by New in All at 3 in the am.

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night

And the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said "Here, you hold this high so i can see what I'm doing" Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor "Don't be in a rush to put t...

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

Middle of the night...

Middle of the night asking a guest at a party after the time. The host says: "My watches are unfortunately broken, but we did the same!" He opens the window, brings his trumpet and begins to play. As a neighbor opens his window and yells: "Are you mad? It is at half past two! "

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!“

In the middle of the night, the phone rang

"What time does the library open, sir?", a man asks

"9 o'clock", answered the head of the library feeling upset for his sleep being disturbed

"Can you open it sooner, I wanna get out"

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...

a knock-knock joke breaks into a bar in the middle of the night

the bartender who is sleeping in the back room is startled awake by the noise, and shouts, “who’s there?”

A wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "Honey, I have a question."

Him: "It's 2:30 in the morning, what do you want?"

Her: "If I died, would you remarry?"

Him: "What?... Well I hadn't really thought about it... I guess I would. Can we go to sleep now?"

Her: "I've got another question. If I died and you re...

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A priest was hitchhiking in the middle of the night

A guy with a Mercedes stopped and picked him up. They started heading to town. After a while the priest asks:
-What is that star on the front used for?
And the driver jokingly replied:
-That? Oh, it's a crosshair for sniping bicyclists.
The priest didn't reply.

As they were head...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.

The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

“Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

What’s big, white and goes down on you in the middle of the night?

An Airbus A320.

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men, got up to fight,

One lame man, rang up to call an...

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother ...

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A woman woke up in the middle of the night...

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found her husband watching TV and shouting "Flee YOU FOOL!! Flee!!".
"what's wrong with you?" asked the wife.
he replied
"I'm just watching our wedding video"

I knocked on my father's door in the middle of the night, begging him to let me in. I said, "Please let me stay here dad, I'm a wanted man."

He said, "That's impossible son. You weren't even a wanted child."

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

A man gets pulled over for running a stop sign in the middle of the night.

Officer says "Evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?" Man says "Yeah I guess I kind of rolled through that stop sign. It's late and there's no traffic so I just slowed down instead of stopping. No big deal right?" Officer thinks for a moment and then begins punching the man repeatedly in th...

What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?

"Man, wall mounts are awesome."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sent a new girl I'm seeing a picture of my buddy Richard in the middle of the night

She didn't appreciate an unsolicited Dick pic...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.

As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette go on a road trip

In the middle of the night, their car breaks down next to a farm with an old barn. They decide that, instead of knocking on the door and waking people up in the middle of the night, their going to spend the night in the barn.

In the morning, the girls wake up to the sound of the old farmer wh...

Mr. Kotter and his secretary go to a convention...

When they check into their hotel rooms, the attendant said since they were late, they gave one of the rooms to another guest. They only had a double bed, but if they can wait, they can move another bed into the room. In the middle of the night, the secretary called to Mr Kotter, "can you please clo...

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary...

... when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It's getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says "I don't think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I'll take the couch, you can have the bed." She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the ...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, that said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you...

Drunk driving or...?

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

A brunet, a redhead, and a blond are trying to break out of the prison...

It took them weeks to find a weak spot on the wall where they could climb over in the middle of the night. After waiting for a cloudy, moonless night, they are finally ready to escape.

As the brunet climbs over the top of the wall, she makes a little bit of noise, and one prison guard asks an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.