Leave Me Jokes - 52 Hilarious Leave Me Jokes

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed?

A tiny part of me says yes.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

A girl asked her boyfriend "Babe, would you leave me if I was unattractive?"

The boyfriend replies "I'm still here, aren't I?"

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She said, "YES!! I'll marry you."

My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me.

"Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."

My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

My wife said she would leave me if I did not stop making jokes about her hysterectomy

I think it was an Ovaryaction if you ask me

When my wife told me she'd leave me if I didn't stop acting like a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was 18 years old when i found out bedbugs actually live in beds I always thought it was just a name like ladybug. It does leave me with one question though,

where do cockroaches live?

My girlfriend says she’s going to leave me because I exaggerate things way too much

But what do I care? I literally have a million girls texting me daily.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I promised to stop quoting oasis all of the time

I said maybe

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support LGBTQ

That's a bit of a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet flag.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

My grandfather passed away and didn't leave me much, only 20,000 Dogecoin.

He wanted to be interred in a mausoleum. Luckily, the undertaker accepts Cryptocurrency.

My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.

When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers..

I guess I'll just roll out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references

I said well, wake me up before you go go.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

My wife said to me if I don't stop quoting Star Wars she's going to leave me

I replied "Only a Sith deals in absolutes"

My wife told me that she is going to leave me unless I stop treating everything like it's a joke...

With a sombre look on my face, I nodded my head and told her to take a seat so we could have a serious conversation about it as adults.

That's when I pulled her chair.

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

My wife wants to leave me because of my obsession with FC Barcelona

I see a Messi divorce ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

Wife asks. “can you leave me some of your donut?”

Husband replies “Ok, I’ll leave you the hole!”

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

I can't believe my girlfriend would leave me for being "insecure"!

Oh wait, she just went to make a cup of tea.

My wife told me she'll leave me if I go blind.

I guess I'll just have to see.

My girlfriend wouldn’t leave me alone about my obsession with wanting to be Mysterio...

but all I had to do was turn off the projector.

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