UPJOKE

Leave Me Alone Jokes

If Hillary wins, I'm moving to...

Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone

My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone.

When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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A State Trooper Is Driving Down The Highway...

It's about 6am, and as he rounds the curve, he sees a figure kneeling down by a tree off the edge of the road.

Turning on his lights, he eases over and as he gets closer, he can see that the figure is a very naked man who is chained to the tree.

Getting out of the car, the officer mov...

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

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Went to school with this girl who wouldn't leave me alone.

She was constantly pounding on my door and yelling. I finally gave up and let her out of the basement.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?

A leave me alone.

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the tabl...

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The ugly frog

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess:
\- "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog:
\- "I know, I know, I got a rea...

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A fragile looking old man approaches a young woman at a grocery store.

He says, "Excuse me. I know this is going to sound awkward, but I was wondering if I could pay you to have sex with me."

She slaps him in the face and says, "I'm married. How dare you?"

He replies, "I didn't mean to offend you. Maybe you could ask him if he would be OK with it."
...

A middle-aged woman still lives with her parents

Her mother was walking by her room and heard from inside "buuzzzzzzzz zzzzz bzzzzz." She opened the door to see her daughter laying on the bed playing her "toy" and yelled "what is going on in here?!" Her daughter replied "mom, I'm 40 years old, still live with my parents, this is the closest thing...

Mark Zuckerberg’s car hit someone’s car

Guy: *angry* Do you know who I am?!

Mark: Yes, your name is Andrew Smith, you have 122 friends out of which 30 are females, and your wife has 652 friends and 600 of them are males. Last year she messaged with a guy named Michael…

Guy: OKAY. Enough! The accident was my fault, just leave...

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump.

Franklin turns to Trump and says: "I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."

Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: "Of course I do. Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin. That's all I need to know!" Trump taps Franklin's portrait on ...

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So, I've dating a really Sweet Korean girl...

I think she's my Seoul mate.

Edit: First Platinum thank you kind stranger!

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This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.

Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 buck...

A young woman works alone for the first time late in the evening in a tall building, and her office phone rings unexpectedly.

She doesn't recognize the number but answers, thinking it may be her boss. Instead, a creepy sounding man speaks just two short sentences.

"I'm the viper. I'll be up soon."

He ends the call before she can respond. She shrugs and figures it's just kids messing around. A few minutes late...

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks aro...

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A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

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A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her

Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.

"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"

Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:

"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

A man approaches a woman at a bar and says “what’s your number?” She says “mmm I don’t think so.” Five minutes later the man approaches again and again asks “what’s your number?” Woman gives the same response. Five minutes later the man goes up a third time and asks “what’s your number?”

The woman says “fine, if I give you my number will you leave me alone?!?”

The man says “looks like your number’s 3” and walks away

It's looking like Hillary is definitely going to win the election

I think I might move to Benghazi, at least she'll leave me alone there.

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

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A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

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Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.

Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.

The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"

Jo...

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A Rabbi steps up to a urinal.

As he begins to urinate, a voice beside him says, "My friend, you are a Jew!"



Slightly surprised, he replies, "Okay, so you're some kind of genius. You see my clothing, and my..." (he gestures to his crotch) "... and you figure I'm a Jew. Please let me finish in peace!"


...

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

What did the debtor say to the repo man?

Leave me alone.

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m...

Jesus and the adulteress

He stands in front of the crowd who already have their hands raised with the stones, holds out his hands and proclaims " Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. "

The hands sink, and the congregation starts to hang their head in shame as suddenly a stone ...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Tommy, I want you to meet my new boyfriend".

"I've got a 3 kill streak leave me alone" he cries, eagerly gripping his controller.

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey champ, how you doing?"

Tommy ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? How...

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Little red riding hood was walking down a forest path.

As she was walking she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a tree.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!" So the big bad wolf runs away.

Further down the path, she sees the big bad wolf again, crouched behind a bush.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!"

Again, the big ...

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A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

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A little girl goes to her very busy father to ask various questions

“Papa, Papa!” she calls out to him, “I hate my dance lessons, can I not go today?”

“Quit it. Can’t you tell I’m in a meeting right now? Go talk to your mother,” her father tells her and shoos her from the room.

A little while later the girl returns and says, “Papa, Papa! I found a disc...

I am looking for a Bank which can perform two things..

give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.

The fear of darkness

The serial killer pull his victim by the hair into the dark woods. She starts to scream: "It's so dark here, please leave me alone. I'm so afraid". "You are afraid? Just think that I will have to come back on my own".

A man once entered an asylum

The patients kept jumping shouting"we are popcorn! we are popcorn!" Except for one guy who was sitting quietly in a corner so the man thought that he is the only sane person here and asked him "why don't you jump,shout like your mates?" The guy replied "please leave me alone i stuck to the cooking p...

An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:

"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."

She flatly tells him:

"No. Go away. I'm not interested"

But the man persists. He tells her:

"But wait! I'm a smart guy wit...

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I held the toilet door open for some guy the other day

n he screamed - 'leave me alone im trying to shit in peace!'

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A blonde on a plane

One of the stewards to the blonde passenger:
- Miss, you have a ticket to economy class. Please release this place from business class.
- I'm young, I'm beautiful and I go to Monte Carlo. Leave me alone!
After several attempts from the other stewards, who received the same answer:
- ...

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Switched Inputs

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immedi...

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Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary

Johnny gets a hard-on

Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick

Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"

Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys ball...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

God please

A very pious man is stuck in quicksand. He's in up to his belly when 2 firemen come by, he says : " only God can save me, leave me alone!". The 2 firemen insist but the religious man won't change his mind, "only God can help me" he repeats. The firemen finally leave him but after some time they feel...

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Man sees a girl with the best set of breasts he's ever seen...

He approaches her and said "Hi miss. You have the most beautiful set of breasts i've ever seen. I'll pay you $100 if you let me bite them."

The woman, offended, replies " Not in a million years creep! Leave me alone."

The man walks away. After a while, he approaches the girl again and ...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

a sad short wrench walks into a bar

and asks for a beer

the bartender asks why is he so sad.

and the wrench replies "can you leave me alone, i don't want to torque"

Do you have an extra pen?

During an exam.

Girl. Nope

2 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. I said no leave me alone.

5 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. If you ask one more time I will smash your head a hammer.

10 minutes later.

...

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

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A man meets a strange woman on a train in a sleeping coupe.

After a few awkward moments they make an arrangement that the woman will sleep on the top bunk and the man will sleep on the bottom bunk.

In the middle of the night, the woman gets up and prods the man to wake him up.

"Please, sir, I'm sorry for bothering you, but could you ask the con...

One day Nelson Mandela was chilling in his house...

When there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door to find a short Chinese man with a large truck full of car exhausts. The Chinese man jumped in front of Nelson Mandela holding up a clipboard and said,"you sign..you sign!!"

"Look, I don't know you and don't want any of your stuff...

2,003 pigs

It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs. He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it...

Old joke but one of my favourites.

A man is hired to paint the side of a building. It is summer time and very hot out, maybe 30°C. He puts on two jackets and gets to work.

As he's painting a woman walks by and asks "Why are you wearing two jackets in such heat?"

"Mind your business!"

A while later another woman ...

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

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