UPJOKE

Know Any Jokes

Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

Does anyone here know any men from Scandinavia?

(I’m asking for a Svend.)

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

Do you know any maths jokes?

Yeah |ly|

When I was learning trigonometry my teacher explained the trig functions by referencing the unit circle. And when I asked about the unit circle she referred me to the functions.

I said miss this seems like circular reasoning to me

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Hey Germans! Do you know any English numbers?

Nine...

Do you guys know any good ice breakers?

I just know that the Titanic is not a good one.

I don’t know any songs about rich countries..

I can only *Singapore* one.

Know any Swedish jokes?

I've heard they don't Finnish very well

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

I hate when people say I don't know any good movies.

Of course I dont, did you meet any?

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You all know any good masturbation jokes?

C'mon, I bet we can crank some out.

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

Anyone know any good anti jokes?

Anti jokes are basically jokes that are so serious and deliberately not funny to the point where they are funny. Yeah its hard to explain. But I was looking for some good ones that aren't already on the anti joke website so share them if you know any.

A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.

Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-

"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.

"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

I asked my friend "Do you know any other word for a big rock?"

He said "Boulder?"

I said **"Do you know any other word for a big rock?"**

Does anyone know any good gags?

Said Kim's robber.

Do you know any columbine jokes?

I guess I'll give it a shot

Do you know any snake jokes?

'cause I serpently don't.

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

If you know any poltergeist in need of a job, please send them my way

I have a moving company that could use some entities that have experience moving furniture.

So my friend asked me "Do you know any words in Spanish?"

I replied "Uno. That's one!"

Does anyone know any sad, lonely people who are going to be spending Christmas alone?

Cause I need to borrow some chairs.

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"Do you know any shit puns?" I asked my dad.

He said, "Manure stupid."

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

Anyone know any good jokes about a mad scientist?

I work at a art studio and a group of scientist booked one of our adult classes & i thought it would be fun to start the class with a science related joke. So give me your best best shot

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Request: Does anyone know any good jokes about Juan Ponce de Leon?

Sorry, I know this isn't the usual fare here, but my son is looking for jokes about Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon to share with his Social Studies class. Nothing too NSFW - it's for ten-year-olds.

Thanks!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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