UPJOKE

Job Offer Jokes

I've just had to turn down a really good job offer, driving thirty world-famous circus clowns around on a UK tour next month.

I don't have a car small enough.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

Just turned down a job offer to work in Seoul.

I think it would be a bad Korea move.

I got a job offer at Pepsi today!

I just hope they don’t drug test me and find Coke in my system.

What job offers are there for someone without a brain?

The head of state.

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

Job offered: joined the exciting field of TSA

Title: TSA inspections officer

Location: Florida

Starting date: Immediately

Pay: Eventually

I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat

He mistook it for a job offer. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a job offer for you, and I will pay you huge sums for it. All you have to do is tie up my poop

I shit, you knot

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

Timbuktu

This one I got from Playboys joke page in the late 80s.

Two guys with identical education and experience were applying for the same marking position in a company. The hiring manager could not decide which one to give the job offer to, so he calls them both in for a final interview at the sam...

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

A duck walks into a bar...

... and walks up to the bartender to order a pint of lager and a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender is flabbergasted to see a talking duck, but then quickly proceeds to pour the duck his drink and fetch his sandwich after seeing him get impatient

A few weeks pass and the duck becomes qui...

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

Two Irish woodsmen are looking for a job.

"Look here Gary. It says, 'Builders wanted'. But we're not builders!"
"What about that one?"
"It says, 'Looking for Painters'."
"But we don't paint!"
"Times are tough eh? Here's one last job offer; it says, 'Looking for Tree Fellers'."
"But, there's only two of us!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know.

"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."

"Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

"Why can't T rexes clap their hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

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