In Bed Jokes - 78 Hilarious In Bed Jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.

(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night

When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

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A couple in bed after .

**Her**: My, you've got to be the worst lover in the world.

**Him**: Oh really? And how, exactly, did you figure this out in 17 seconds?

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

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I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's Ra

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Why is Jesus terrible in bed?

Because it takes him 3 days to rise

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

How does a Trump supporter explain why they cannot perform in bed?

Erection fraud.

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

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A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend []

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

Husband and wife are in bed one night...

when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles a...

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Three people in bed is called a . Two people in bed is called a twosome.

So now you know why people call you handsome.

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

A young bride is in bed with her husband for the first time.

When they get naked she notices that he has a club foot. Nervously she leaves the room and calls her mother.

“Mom, Frank has a foot and a half.”

The mom responds, “I’ll be right there. This sounds like a job for momma!”

Just lasted over an hour in bed...

Thank you day light savings

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

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A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed?

A tiny part of me says yes.

I'm dynamite in bed.

One good pump and I explode.

Did you know that antivaxxers don't last as long in bed?

Especially if the bed is in a hospital.

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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to ge...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

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I came home one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the ? You carry on like this, you ain't gonna

have any friends left.

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

Why are the men in Finland so bad in bed?

Because they’re always finnish first

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An old man and his wife are in bed.

After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
<...

A man and woman were in bed together

The man wrapped his arms around the woman and said "Honey, am I the first man you've ever made love to?"

The woman sighed and said "Why does everyone ask me that?!"

“It’s no good, it’s over” said Julie. “You are so bad in bed.”

“Oh come on,” said the man affronted, “how can you tell
after 15 seconds?”

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a pain in my ," but I know what she meant.

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

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To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed.

They always finish last.

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

Why is Batman great in bed?

Since he’s not a superhero, he uses gadgets

Why are mailmen better in bed?

Because they know how to deliver the package.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed;

she went out to get a second opinion.

Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn't finish it.

I got up to p

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

Why are robots bad in bed?

They just screw, nut and bolt.

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I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed?

Because there is no spoon.

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

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My favourite position in bed is at the bottom

Because all i do is up

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

Imagine coming home getting in bed with your girlfriend

you tell her a joke and the guy under the bed starts laughing

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

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If bedbugs live in beds...

then were do cockroaches live?

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