UPJOKE

I Was Jokes

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

I dreamed I was invisible and I married an invisible woman

I'm not sure what we saw in each other
 
 
 
 
Our kids were nothing to look at either

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

My Dr. told me I was going deaf.

That was really hard to hear.

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I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules

It’s okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

I was an ugly child.

No one ever told me that to my face, but I grew up catholic and never got touched, so I can take a hint.

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

Last night I had a dream that I was weightless..

I was like 0mg!

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

I was planning on getting a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

I was arrested for smoking a bunch of weed and plucking my eyebrows.

They charged me with high tweezin'

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture

I didn’t reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme

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I was addicted to masturbating but now I’m addicted to sex

Think it’s safe to say that my addiction got out of hand

I thought I was world's best lover

Until i found out my wife has asthma.

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I was peeing at a truck stop...

And was standing between 2 other guys. Their peeing sounded a bit odd, so I looked to my left.

The guy on my left had 2 streams of pee. “What happened?”, I asked.

“A piece of grenade shrapnel in my dick head in Iraq”, the guy replied, “and now I have 2 pee holes.”

As I heard eve...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

I was involved in a car crash last night.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

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I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

I was looking up some baseball history,

*I mean, if you know - you know* ..

But the best way to describe the lineup of the 1935 New York Yankees in one word is, 'ruthless'.

Even though I was born visible...

I identify as trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where.

I was sat at home the other day and there was a knock at the door.

"Hello" said the young boy, when I opened the door. "I'm collecting for the local swimming pool"



So I gave him a glass of water.

I was driving down the highway, and I saw a man hitchhiking with a sign that said “Heaven”.

So I hit him.

My doctor told me that I was going deaf 3 years ago…

I haven’t heard from him since.

If I was a salesman and sold bar stools,

I’d hand out free stool samples.

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I lost my virginity when I was 18...

Luckily, I still have the box it came in

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

I was in court recently. The judge found me guilty of being 'Egotistical'

I am appealing

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I was asked what my views on pornography were.

I said, "I dunno, rough math maybe 2,500?"

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

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I asked a prostitute how I was doing (classic joke)

I asked a prostitute how I was doing and she said “Three nots”
“What’s Three Nots?”
“You’re not hard, it’s not in and you’re not getting your money back”

after my wife found my letters I had to come clean and tell her I was cheating

She said she will never play scrabble with me again

I was fired from my job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory

My boss didn't like me giving each Elmo two test tickles.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

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I was voted “Least likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

FeeFiPhobia

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

I was arguing with a guy at a bar who said he was a big rock star in the 80’s

I didn’t believe him, but he was Adamant.

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

I was a Flat-Earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

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Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

I was waking down the street today and a man attacked me with milk and cheese

How dairy!

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I was going to make an anal joke

Butt fuck it

If I was forming a new planet, I'd invite as many stonemasons as I can

They rock my world

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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

I was watching a show that started with this person opening a freezer chest.

It was a cold opener.

Last night, I was mugged by 6 dwarfs.

Not Happy.

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...

... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".

I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".

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I was browsing the internet.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

I was wondering where the dish soap was.

And then it Dawned on me

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.


Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found.

Nothing starts with N.

I was gonna make a joke about a really old plane

But I don't think it would fly today

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

I was gifted a resistor by an old monk

So far, I haven't been able to use it in any circuits due to it's abnormally high resistance. Too mamy ohms.

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

I was just about to go on a blind date with a female roofer

But her fascia turned me off

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

So I was meeting my hot Tinder date in the restaurant…

… as she was about to sit down at the table, I asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”

She answered, “Let’s first see how this date goes…”

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I was sick of my wife always making fun of my crappy sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

I was so confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

I always wanted children when I was younger.

I could never entice them into the back of my van.

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I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

I was talking to him about zodiacs

I said “my mother is a Leo, that’s why she has her stubborn pride. She has the lion in her.

My father is a Taurus. That’s why he’s a well grounded individual. He has the bull in him.”

Anyway, after hearing me speak, my doctor looked at the results and said, “So, I’m guessing you’re Can...

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a knife at me, he barked.. 'your money or your life'!!

I told him that I was married ..so I had no money and no life.

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment!

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

My wife came outside and saw me with binoculars and asked what I was doing?

To which I replied “Bird watching!”

Her: “Why are you doing that?”

Me: “It’s the only time I’ll ever see a female swallow again.”

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

I was responding to another attorney's filing today but my heart wasn't in it.

You could say I was just going through the motions.

I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it.

It would be risky business

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I was showing people pictures of me at my parents wedding

And everyone called me a bastard. Did I do something to piss them off?

I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine

I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school

I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently.

Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.

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I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.

I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

For some reason, she ...

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

I was under the impression my wife could fix socks.

After multiple requests, however, she exclaimed, "I CAN'T DARN IT!"

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

I was reading a book about an immortal dog.

It was impossible to put down.

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

I was about to proposeto my girlfriend...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

I was so angry at my mom I called her dumb and stormed off to my room

Which made things awkward considering we’re kangaroos

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"

I said, "It's fine, don't worry...I'll pay."

"You're a gent," she replied.

Thankfully I made the money back by selling her purse.

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

A nobleman said some hurtful things to me while I was buying groceries at half price.

It was a diss count.

I was in a band called Constipation.

We stunk. We didn’t go anywhere.

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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Once in college, I was seeing a girl who had a twin. When I went home for the break I told my mother I was seeing a girl with a twin, and she asked me “how do you tell them apart?”

I told her “Nancy paints her fingernails blue, and Nick has a penis.”

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

I was pretty surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car

I don't think that I quite understood 'Show and Tell' when I was at school.

Every time I 'showed' , the girls told.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

I was going to quit my passtime as a public flasher...

But I decided to stick it out a little longer.

The fuse had blown on a lamp I was throwing away and my mother suggested I give it to a charity shop

I told her I couldn’t do that, they’d only re-fuse it

When I was in prison, I was forced to sell things from an empty room.

It was solitary consignment.

Last week I was so constipated....

I tried prunes and other home remedies with no relief. I was about to buy a rectal suppository but then I remembered an old friend who was a proctologist....

...and with friends like this who needs enemas.

I was never a fan of organ donation.

But then I had a change of heart.

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I was walking near a cattle pen when my friend said "Look, there's chocolate on the floor!"

It was bullshit

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face, when they
all disagreed.

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I was in the cemetery.

I saw four men carrying a coffin round and round,

3 hrs later I saw the same men with the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the fucking plot.

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

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I was woken up from my drunken sleep by my neighbour mowing at 6am.

"Just fucking go around me!" I shouted.

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

When I was in the Army....

When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said "See this rope?" I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said "good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe." he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.

And to this day I STILL don't kn...

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

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I was in the cemetery and saw a man get up from behind a gravestone

‘Morning’ I said.

‘No, just taking a shit’ he said

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with astronomy

What planet is she on?

When I was a young man, I dreamed of sleeping with a strange woman every night.....

What I didn't realize was that it would be the same one!

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I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: Let me stop you right there. There's no longer "I" or "You". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, "We" fucked your sister.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

I was making a mocha in the barn

when I spilled some hot chocolate mix. I used my fingers to turn the mess into a rough picture of my pet rooster.

Shortly thereafter, the rooster himself strolled by, looked at my sketch and made a cocoa doodle too.

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I was let down by a pickup line in a club last night.

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said, 'Hey, I'm bisexual, let me buy you a drink and then we can get sexual?'

I was rather disappointed when she turned around and replied, 'No, your bi-curious, you can go buy me a drink and when you come back, you can wonder where the fuck I've gone.'

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

Last night I was at a Christmas party

Everyone was feeling Merry…….so she left

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

Once I was almost in love with a psychic

She left me before we met.

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.

So I was visiting South Korea but I forgot my phone and I had no map.

It was a true Seoul searching journey.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" replied the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

I was charged $200 just to see a doctor

And I don't even get to keep the binoculars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

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