UPJOKE

I Was Gonna Jokes

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

I was gonna post a joke about a beaker..

but I didn't want to be vial.

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I was gonna make a joke about anal sex…

…butt fuck it

I was gonna tell a priest joke...

But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium…

but I thought Na, people wouldn’t get it.

I was gonna make a joke about a really old plane

But I don't think it would fly today

I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist

but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture

People laughed when I said I was gonna be a comedian

Well, they're not laughing now

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

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I was gonna post a joke about the Suez Canal

But that ship has sailed

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

I was gonna take a trip to Bangkok...

But then I thought Phuket

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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

I was gonna go to this French restaurant…

but French people give me the crepes.

I was gonna tell you a joke about sodium.

But you’ll only take it for half a grain of salt.

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

I was gonna make a joke about my ADHD.

Never mind, I’ll finish it later.

I was gonna go to rehab until I realized

Rehab is for quitters

I was gonna tell Catholic jokes...

...but those have been abused.

Guys I was gonna make a Braille joke but,

It’s a pretty touchy subject.

I was gonna make a China joke…

[THIS CONTENT, FOR YOUR SAFETY, HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.]

I was gonna get a brain transplant

But I changed my Mind.

I was gonna tell you the one about the necromancer who liked to abuse animals...

...but it'd just be beating a dead horse.

I was gonna tell a rock joke on here,

but I think everyone would take it for granite.

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

I was gonna tell a child abandonment joke....

But then I realized it wasn’t wanted

I was gonna make a joke about eyeballs but..

everything I came up with was extremely cornea

I was gonna tell a 'hetero' joke for the last day of pride month....

But I couldn't keep a straight face.

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I was gonna make a dick joke, but

someone already beat me to it

When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed…

Well, they’re not laughing now!

I was gonna write a book on phobias

But I was afraid it wasn't going to sell

My mum laughed at me when I said I was gonna make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was gonna make an antimasker joke.

But my parents taught me to not make fun of the mentally disabled.

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I was gonna go donate sperm today

But then I realized it was a dick move.

I was gonna tell a joke about a dull pencil

But there's no point

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I was gonna make a joke about eating ass

But I was worried it would come off tongue-in-cheek

I was gonna tell you a joke I came up with about a were-donkey,

but I decided it was too half-assed

I was gonna start a Debate Club

But I got talked out of it

I was gonna tell you a joke about cash machines

but i can't think of one ATM

I was gonna make a joke about starvation

But I guess I'll keep Stalin until I find a better one

My mother asked if I knew what I was gonna do next year.

I told her that I didn't have any clue due to the debilitating state of my eyesight. Ever since I was four years old, I have had severe astigmatism and the diametric measurement of my foveal avalascular zone. When I was seventeen, I was told of the very real possibility of being blind and the age of...

I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem...

But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it.

I was gonna tell a joke about napoleon complexes...

But it fell short.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

I was gonna make a joke about a tiny pole...

But then I realised it was a wee post

I was gonna post a time travel joke

But after seeing how many times it been reposted, i think it can wait.

I was gonna write a story about Swiss cheese

But the plot had too many holes in it.

I was gonna tell a joke about Mexican food

But now I don’t want to taco bout it.

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ...

he looked at me & said "Me? how?"

I was gonna have a three way...

But then I decided, if I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I'll just have dinner with my parents.

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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

I was gonna make a joke on Counter Strike...

..but it was Globally Offensive.

I was gonna take my wife out last night.....

But the gun jammed.

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I was gonna tell a joke about 2 skeletons having sex...

...but that would've been the last nail in the coffin.

I was gonna take my kids to see a puppet show, but it was all sold out

Thankfully, we still got in. I just had to pull some strings

I was gonna make an Indian Pun

But I got Naan

You know, I was gonna make a joke about how I have a hard time reading dictionaries,

But I just couldn't find the words for it.

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I thought I was gonna have sex with an Eskimo one time...

But it turns out she wasn't Inuit.

I lost the script I was gonna use for my TED Talk.

I’m speechless.

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor...

But it got carried away

I was gonna tell you guys a joke about planes,

but i have a feeling it would fly right over your heads

I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

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