UPJOKE

I Want Jokes

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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"I want you to have this,"

said the husband to his wife, handing her a gold bracelet with an engraved medallion. "It belonged to my mother."

"Oh honey, thank you!" she said, smiling and putting on the bracelet. "It's a beautiful bracelet and a beautiful gesture."

As she moved her arm around admiring it from ...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this ca...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

I want to do a better job of recognizing our veterans

But they just look like all the other homeless people.

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."

"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"

"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."

^(getting exasperated) "Does he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

When I die, I want the Uvalde police SWAT team to be my pallbearers.

That way, they can let me down like they let their entire city down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora"

It means a lot

I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds.

“Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”

I want to open an all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant…

I’d call it “Endless Pastabilities.”

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Elon: I want to change the company name.

Company: why

Elon: Good one, How about X, instead

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

"Dad, I want a dog for Christmas!"

"No way son, we'll have a carp like every year."

I want to open a store for used drums.

It will be called Repercussions.

"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

I want you to tell me the minute my invisibility cloak starts working again.

Have I made myself clear?.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in my sleep

Not screaming and wailing like his passengers.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had ...

I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me a sly, sexy wink and asked which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.

Ooops. I guess I was only supposed to name one.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandad.

Not in a ball of flames like the people on his bus.

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

A woman walks into a bar and says “I want an entendre. Make it a double.”

The bartender gave it to her

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation...

In the end, we settled it with an altercation.

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

"Give it to me" she begged,"Give it to me..." "I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....

But,there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.

I want to pick up bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage was better looking than mine.

It was the worst case scenario.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

A girl I wanted to date said I had the face like the back of a boat.

I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.

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