UPJOKE

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said β€œgive me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

β€œI want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says β€œso now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said β€œI sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
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